Oct 13, 2015 4 min read

Lately, I’ve been impressed by the spirit of American entrepreneurism. Its most notable example is perhaps the spate of Pope Francis memorabilia being offered for sale in the wake of the pontiff’s visit to the United States. But now an American of vision has outdone Pope-a-palooza.

For only $19.99 (plus $3 shipping and handling), Kyle Waring of Boston will sell you three genuine New England fall leaves. He figures folks in warmer climes miss out on seeing fall colors. How things change. Homesick in California during the holidays, Irving Berlin writes “White Christmas”; Waring develops a get-rich-quick scheme.

On his Shipfoliage.com website, Waring explains his gathering technique: “Our foliage experts hike all around the Northeast in search for the perfect leaves. During our collection phase we sift and filter through our inventory, hand selecting only ‘Grade A’ foliage.”

We can only assume that less-than-perfect leaves are cast aside, trod on and left to contemplate why God did not grace them with sufficient chlorophyll before they become brittle and float screaming into a bonfire.

Chosen leaves “undergo a unique preservation process” that “enhances the foliage color contrast and also preserves the leaves for years to come!” If you so request, each leaf bundle will include a handwritten message to the lucky recipient. Something like, “I was going to send you $30 for your birthday, but I bought these leaves for $20 instead. I also bought some magic beans.”

According to the website “Mashable,” Waring sold 75 bundles within 24 hours after his website debuted last Thursday, which works out to an hourly wage of $62.50.

Join me in flailing our arms and shouting, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

This isn’t the first time someone has sought to capitalize on the American penchant for collecting by selling items that anyone can bend over and pick up. Back in the 1990s, a resident of first-man-on-the-moon Neil Armstrong’s hometown of Wapakoneta, Ohio, began marketing “moon rocks.” They were not, however, chunks of La Luna brought back by Armstrong. Rather, they were pebbles gathered by the would-be seller from a nearby stream. The Internet was in its infancy back then, so his effort petered out after a few mentions in the press. But the story made me see that I had missed an opportunity.

I won’t again.

Feeling run down? Sluggish after the Pirates’ poor showing in the National League Wild Card Game? Then “Chartiers Crick Elicksir” is for you!

“Chartiers Crick Elicksir” begins with water hand-drawn by our experts from the noble stream named after French trapper Pierre Chartiere. We carefully strain our samples through 25 layers of a special cheesecloth purchased at Costco. Then, using a proprietary process called “boiling,” we treat each batch to enhance and preserve its natural orange-red color, retaining just the right amount of goose droppings, for piquancy.

“Chartiers Crick Elicksir” comes in a commemorative, non-recyclable PVC replica of a glass bottle Pierre himself might have carried as he wandered through Washington and Allegheny counties in the 1700s in search of the legendary giant catfish, “Bigmouth Alphonse.”

History is silent on whether Pierre caught Alphonse. But what we can say for sure is that the plucky outdoorsman knew then what nine out of 10 French trappers now agree is true: If you’re French, you’ll drink almost anything.

One shot glass-size serving daily guarantees regularity, cures lumbago and boosts libido in those of marriageable age. It also removes rust from musket barrels.

“Chartiers Crick Elicksir” is available in 8-, 12- or 16-ounce sizes, starting at $6.99 plus $10 shipping and handling. Join our Left Bank Club to receive a discount and regular shipments each month.

Don’t be gauche! Order today and we’ll include a complimentary sample of Lucky Pete’s Authentic Axle Grease, Lip Balm and Hair Pomade (an $8.99 value).