Sep 1, 2015 3 min read

In honor of the end of summer, a column compiling signs of impending Apocalypse:

• An unnamed school district has forbidden one of its students from bringing her Wonder Woman lunchbox to school. Why? It violates the school’s dress code. A letter from the school – posted anonymously by the girl’s (Laura’s) parents on the online image sharing site Imgur – states: “The dress code we have established requests that the children not bring violent images into the building in any fashion – on their clothing (including shoes and socks), backpacks and lunch boxes. We have defined ‘violent characters’ as those who solve problems using violence. Superheroes certainly fall into that category.” It matters not that WW isn’t actually kapowing anyone in the picture on the box; it’s just the suggestion that if little Laura doesn’t like that day’s lunch entrée, she can go all Ronda Rousey on the lunch lady. P.S. School administrators apparently have no problem that on the box, WW is depicted wearing star-spangled hot pants and bustier and kinky red boots. And what’s the true purpose of that rope she’s carrying?

• President Obama on Sunday announced that, using his executive power, he had restored Alaska’s Mt. McKinley to its original “Native Alaskan” name, Denali. Alaskans have been calling it Denali all along, they said. I have no opinion, so I’ll remain malamute. This just in: In a related development, Obama announced he will also officially rename the Ohio River the “A-hi-a,” which is what Pittsburghers have been calling it for years.

• In anticipation of Halloween and Thanksgiving, companies are falling all over themselves to produced pumpkin-spice-themed products. Among their creations: pumpkin-spice M&Ms; pumpkin-spice yogurt; pumpkin-spice ale; pumpkin-spice coffee and tea; pumpkin-spice air freshener; and pumpkin-spice vape liquid for e-cigarettes. Jumping on the bandwagon, I suggest a line of products featuring fragrances that evoke even stronger images of football, fall and Thanksgiving, with its visits from distant relatives: Deflated Pigskin; Stale-Stogie Grampa; Charred Turkey; Dimestore Perfume Counter; and – sure to please every football fan – Sweaty Cheerleader.

• Spurred to action by the killing of Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe, a lingerie company is offering a special outfit for women. The company’s sales pitch: “Show your support for all wildlife in this limited edition Cecil the Lion costume featuring a light brown, crushed velvet romper with long sleeves, a zip-up front, attached lion tail, a cheeky cut back and a deluxe, faux fur-trimmed hood with lion ears.” The company said 20 percent of the proceeds from sales of the costume will be donated to the World Wildlife Fund. Order one now for ZooBoo at the Pittsburgh Zoo in October. But don’t wear it to the dentist.

• Found something so incredibly amazing that you just can’t find a word to describe it? The latest online version of the Oxford Dictionary has the word for you: “awesomesauce.” Among other additions this year: “rando” (a person one does not know, especially one regarded as odd, suspicious, or engaging in socially inappropriate behavior); “melty” (melting or partially melted); and “cupcakery” (a bakery that specializes in cupcakes). Oh, and “cat café” (an establishment where people pay to interact with cats housed on the premises). Cat scratch fever, indeed.

People paying to assuage their cat scratch fever? If that ain’t rando, I’m buying at the cupcakery.

But kitties do make me go all melty inside.