Sep 16, 2015 5 min read

Q.I hope this makes sense. See, everyone thinks I’m very self-confident. I act like I am. I’m in lots of things. I’m not bad at sports, my grades are good. I laugh with friends, and my family thinks I’m this great kid. In some ways I am, but when I’m alone I have self-doubt. I think I’m really not worth much.

I read your column sometimes – not all the time because I forget – but I often hear you say each person is a person of worth. Am I? How can you tell if someone is? I look at my friends and they all seem better than me. Smarter. Happier. When someone compliments me, I think they’re faking. I don’t know what to say. Am I normal? -13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Normal is different for each of us. Do I think you’re OK? I do. I also think a little support and affirmation (focusing on your good things) would be good for you.

It sounds like you’re great at “acting as if” all is well. You are a master at showing only the top layer of yourself. I often say, “Shrek said ogres are onions. We’re all onions.” We all have many layers. Sharing our inner selves takes a lot of trust. It sounds like you’ve created a top layer of well-being and confidence. When you’re alone you begin to wonder. Are you as good as other people think? Or are you fooling people … and yourself?

I’ve asked many adults if they’d go back in time and relive middle school. Almost everyone responds with loud, definite, “no.” You’re probably in seventh grade – a tough stage in your development and in your peers’ growth. You’re all changing. It can be difficult to know who is a true friend. It can be difficult to know who you really are, what you like, and what kind of person you want to be. Those are universal challenges … which just means most people go through them.

How can I tell if a person is worthwhile? You don’t need to earn worthiness. I think it happens when we’re born. People are worthy because they are. Each of us has a right to live, to learn, to love others, to stumble and get back up, and to find joy. Each of us will be angry, sad and confused at times. Most people feel self-doubt. Emotions – feelings – are totally normal. How we act in response to our feelings is part of our character. It’s been said that character is what you do when no one is watching. You’re examining your life. You’re questioning who you are. You’re developing character. These are all very good things. If your feelings of self-doubt cause you to feel depressed, steal your sleep and make you unhappy, I think you need to share with a trusted adult.

Worthiness doesn’t mean we all accomplish the same goals. Not everyone excels at art or sports or academics. Everyone has something.

There are many ways to develop real self-confidence. Here are a few:

Think of others: Get involved. Volunteer. Community service has a bad reputation because it is often required by schools, but giving service to others is a wonderful way to give back, to grow as a person and to feel worthy.

Express gratitude: I’m grateful for my family, for my friends, for the young people I serve … and for little things in life that give me joy (like ice cream). When someone gives you a compliment, just say thank you, and mean it. If someone says, “You look nice today,” don’t respond with “Oh, this old thing …” but simply smile and say, “Thanks.” Practice. Say “I appreciate it.”

Find support: Continue “lots of things” unless your time is stretched too thin and you’re feeling stressed. Don’t overbook, but stay connected with others. School clubs, youth groups in your faith, and family can shore you up and bolster your confidence.

Continue to think: Do you know why you feel unworthy at times? Keep a journal, practice relaxation, find a person to trust and stay open-minded. Be kind to yourself.

Find a mentor: A mentor is a role model – someone who can teach by example. You can have more than one. Tell them you admire them and want to learn from them.

I’d like to stay in touch. Let’s set up a weekly time to text or talk. Every week, whether you feel up or down, we’ll connect. I’ve done this many times in the past. I’ll look forward to hearing from you every week. It will be great to get to know you.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.