Sep 25, 2015 3 min read

I was on my hands and knees cleaning the hair out of the bathtub the other day when I realized I was feeling good. Granted, it was an unusual position to have such a revelation, but I have a good reason.

Earlier in the year, I had exploratory surgery. The doctor went into a vein on my wrist, and I wasn’t able to carry more than 20 pounds in that hand for months. I remember being on my hands and knees cleaning the tub and thinking, “How am I going to get up?”

I knew that I couldn’t put the weight of my body on my hand. I may be delusional about my weight, but I know I weigh more than 20 pounds. I propped myself up on my elbows and tried not to fall while I was rising, because if I grabbed onto something and used it to steady myself, I could reopen the wound. It was a delicate, balletic maneuver I performed while wearing only a bath towel. Don’t picture it.

Around that time, I was in a show called “Intentional Icing.” I played a disgruntled hockey coach who was upset because the owner put a woman on the team. I trotted around stage in a track suit, chomped on a cigar and complained about women. It was a character as far away from me as you could possibly get and still be an earthling.

We didn’t have much of a crew. When we had to load the set and props in, I told them about my surgery. I stood around watching people work like a diva. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a diva and it was uncomfortable for me to watch people do stuff I should have been doing. I couldn’t lift many of the props, aside from my cigar, ashtray and clipboard. I did carry a few chairs onto the set, with my good arm.

I felt like Dr. Zachary Smith from “Lost in Space,” whining about his sacroiliac while Professor Robinson and Major West did all the heavy lifting. P.S. I couldn’t think of a more ancient analogy (Dear whippersnappers, please see IMDB for reference material).

Soon, I started healing and my weight restriction was lifted (right after the load-out for the play). Then, I broke my toe.

Once again, rising from the bathtub after cleaning it was monumental task. There was even a slight overlap between weak arm and useless toe. Getting from the bathroom floor into a standing position was a comical sight. Luckily, no one watched. Once again, don’t try to picture it. I am warning you for your own sanity.

P.S. I have to clean the tub every day. I shed like a Pomeranian in heat.

There I was the other day. My weight restriction was lifted months ago, and my toe was fully healed. I felt like a regular human being again.

The weird thing is, I normally only notice my health when I’m missing it. I only see it as a place to move toward when I’m sick or injured. Most of the time, I take my good health for granted. Today, I’m going to stand up proud (and with ease) and enjoy being in good health.

Where did that phlegmy cough just come from?

Uh-oh.