Sep 29, 2015 3 min read

First off, I freely admit that I used to tie up the Dale Evans rubber figure from my Roy Rogers Chuck Wagon play set when I was a kid.

In my imagination, Dale had been kidnapped by bad guys in an effort to force her husband, Roy, to relinquish control of the café they owned. Invariably, Roy and sidekick Pat Brady arrived in Pat’s Jeep, Nellybelle, to cut Dale loose just in the nick of time – before my mother asked why I had been using so much string lately.

I admit this early foray into bondage only to establish my credentials. Yes, I played with dolls, so I’m qualified to comment knowledgably about the latest nefarious threat to society: “Hello Barbie.”

Announced by toymaker Mattel in March of this year, “Hello Barbie” is a talking doll that somehow has flown under the radar of most national media – probably because the “Hello Donald” talking doll has captured their attention since its programmers had it announce its candidacy for president in mid-June.

But rather than making inflammatory statements to rile up its political base, “Hello Barbie” uses an implanted recording device to listen to what its owner says, then respond accordingly.

To record (via a tiny microphone in her necklace), the user must press and hold Barbie’s belt buckle. In my experience, pressing and holding a woman’s belt buckle will most likely produce the response, “And just what do you think you’re doing, jerk?” But “Hello Barbie” is a bit more user friendly. She remembers what has been said to her, such as a favorite color or what a user wants to be when she grows up, and will respond in less than a second using up to 8,000 lines of pre-recorded dialog. Ever progressive, “Hello Barbie” won’t discourage an aspiring female astronaut to be realistic and concentrate instead on dressing like Miley Cyrus to attract a boy. No word on what response the question “Barbie, where did I hide my cigarettes?” might elicit.

Now, maybe parents of children who identify as female think it’s a wonderful idea to have a doll that will engage in conversation while they themselves pursue more adult activities – texting or watching “Ridiculousness,” for example. But they had better think twice: “Hello Barbie” is not only listening and recording what is said to her, she’s also uploading that information to the Cloud (and Mattel) via a Wi-Fi connection.

Mattel claims that storing the conversations allows “Hello Barbie” to tailor responses individually. The more cynical among us – say, someone who used to tie up Dale Evans – see this as thinly veiled marketing research that will allow Mattel to develop and hawk products garnered from a child’s wish list.

“Kids using ‘Hello Barbie’ aren’t only talking to a doll, they are talking directly to a toy conglomerate whose only interest in them is financial,” Susan Linn, former head of the organization Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood told CNN earlier this year.

CCFC is attempting to block the release of “Hello Barbie,” set for November.

Citing marketing exploitation of children, CCFC has waged successful efforts against, among others, Disney, Kellogg’s and McDonald’s.

Protecting kids is great, but maybe we need protection for gullible adults, too.

Anyone interested in taking a dozen blocks of mozzarella shaped like Pope Francis off my hands?