Sep 30, 2015 5 min read

In honor of our 10th anniversary, I continue to offer a monthly “vintage” column. This one is from Oct. 6, 2008.

Q:I’m pregnant. Believe it or not, that’s not my problem. My fiancé and I planned this baby. We wanted to have one. We planned to get married at Christmas and be married when the baby was born. Except that I just found out something really horrible. He has some other girl pregnant, too. I dumped him. Now what? I’m going to have the baby. It’s not the baby’s fault. Now I hate the idea that someone I thought I loved could be so mean. I trusted him. Now he’s going to be my baby’s daddy and someone else’s daddy, and I feel so betrayed. Here’s my question. How do I keep from taking him back? Believe it or not, I still love him.

19-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response:

Having a baby is a major event in a woman’s life. You’re facing some difficult choices in the midst of the pregnancy, but I’m glad you’re wise and realize the baby is not at fault. As tough as it may seem, putting your baby and your health first is important. Before we talk about the best way to do that, I’d like to try to answer your question.

My students know I try not to make a choice for young people when they face difficult life decisions. There are too many unknowns in your situation for me to evaluate it with care. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Was your relationship healthy? Has he ever been unfaithful to you in the past? How did you discover the other pregnancy? Are you certain the other baby is his? Have you discussed the situation with him? How did he react? What does he want to do? How connected is he to this other woman? And, most important, how do you feel about all of this?

You ask me how you can keep from taking your boyfriend back. That question tells me the answers to many of my questions above must be negative. You’re not asking IF you should take him back, but how to stop doing so. In that case, my response involves other people. During a pregnancy a woman needs support – from family, from friends, from health-care providers and, ideally, from the father of her baby. If you feel your relationship is no longer a healthy one, you need support from others. Stay strong. Remember the reasons you separated from your boyfriend. Love isn’t enough to take someone back if the relationship is unhealthy. In time you may be hurt again.

One way or the other, this man is your baby’s father. In class I often tell young people to think twice before they become involved sexually with someone, especially if the possibility of a pregnancy exists. Making a baby with someone connects you to that person for the life of the child. Even if two people hate one another, they are forced into periodic contact. Why not remove the romantic relationship from the picture? Observe your boyfriend’s reaction to your pregnancy, labor and birth. How does he act? How supportive is he? Where is his commitment? Time will answer a lot of questions about his character, his values and his ability to parent. Give this relationship time. Take care of you.

I’m guessing you’re in the second trimester of your pregnancy. Here are some hints to help make this pregnancy and birth healthy:

• Find a health-care provider you trust – an MD or a midwife – and maintain regular checkups.

• Listen to your caregiver’s health-care advice.

• Eat well and stay active.

• Find supportive people to help you, especially in labor. You may want to consider hiring a doula. A doula is a woman who provides labor support.

• Prepare for your birth. An excellent resource is “The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth with Confidence,” by Judith Lothian and Charlotte DeVries. Both Judy and Charlotte are personal friends, and I promise the book is empowering, honest and supportive.

• Take care of you.

Good luck and best wishes for a positive birth experience and a healthy baby.

This is a serious situation. We couldn’t agree on what you should do. Some of us felt it should be over between you. Do you believe “once a cheater always a cheater”? If so, then he doesn’t have any business in your life. The baby does need to know its daddy, though, and you should get child support. It’s good that you’re keeping the baby. We think it’s normal for you to still love the father of your baby. Keep your dignity. If you feel taking him back is wrong, don’t change your mind. Others of us felt that the idea of “forgive and forget” is a good one. Second chances don’t hurt. Good luck to you and to your baby.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.