Aug 10, 2016 3 min read

Q: My grandma died. She had cancer. I loved her. I’m mad. Everyone else is sad. At the funeral, everyone else cried. I didn’t. I’m mad she died. I’m mad she had cancer. It’s not fair. She was fun. She always liked me. Not everyone likes me. I lost the one person who liked me. Is it OK that I’m mad, not sad?

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Yes. Your feelings are OK.

You are not everyone. You’re you. People deal with loss differently. Your grandma’s death is difficult. You had no control over it. Learning about death can be scary, yet death is part of life.

Being mad – feeling anger – is a common feeling or emotion people experience when someone they love dies. Anger comes from frustration and pain. You loved your grandma and you didn’t want her to deal with cancer and then die. You’re right. Cancer is not fair.

I’m very glad you have great memories of your grandma’s love and acceptance. I believe other people do like you; right now your grief and anger make it tough to realize you matter to others. You do matter. You are a person of worth. Let’s talk about ways you can deal with your anger.

• Tell someone. Some of the people in your life who seem sad may also be angry. Share how you feel with someone your grandma trusted and loved. She would want you to let someone know your pain.

• Keep a journal: Write down how you feel. Create a poem about your grandma, or just let words happen. You could even scrunch up the paper when you’re finished and throw it away.

• Draw or paint: Capture your feelings in art.

• Exercise: Being active can help with negative energy. Running, jumping or playing sports can let you release tension.

• Breathe: Find a private time and simply take slow, deep breaths. Focus on your good memories.

• Show your anger safely: Sometimes it helps to yell or make noise. Some people feel better when they scream or hit a pillow hard. Stay safe.

• Give yourself time: Grieving takes time. You might feel OK and then a strong feeling will hit you and remind you how much you miss your grandma. It’s OK to have changing emotions – you may feel happy one minute and sad the next.

Please remember you are important and your grief is OK. Let’s continue talking. Focus on the person your grandma saw when she looked at you. Honor your grandma’s memory by living your life to make her proud.