Aug 17, 2016 3 min read

Q. I overheard my daughter telling a friend she planned to get pregnant to keep her boyfriend. When I confronted her, she denied it at first but then got defensive. She says it’s no big deal and that she knows guys who have gotten their girlfriends pregnant just to have a good place to stay or to get money. I think all of these reasons are wrong reasons to have a baby. I’m interested in your peer educators’ opinions and yours.

– Concerned parent of 16-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Sadly, I’ve heard these reasons for pregnancies for years, not only with teens. I began teaching childbirth education in the ’70s. My first clients were adults; in time I also focused on adolescents. In moments of doubt, many people shared a similar rationale. If a relationship is floundering, making a baby to “keep someone” isn’t a wise choice, but it happens.

Any honest parent will tell you the arrival of a baby can be stressful. Let me put it more bluntly: two people in love can focus on each other; a newborn pulls the center of attention away from the couple. A troubled or unhealthy relationship will not typically heal because of a child’s conception and birth.

Honesty and communication are foundations of healthy relationships. Even if a relationship appears healthy, the deception you describe will have long-lasting ramifications. In time, truth is revealed. Not only will a partner feel cheated, the child may hear negative comments. I’ve known parents who, in a moment of stress or anger, tell a child, “You shouldn’t be here.” Many teens have disclosed hurtful statements directed to them by parents on their birthdays (“This is the day you ruined my life.”). I respect these teens; their sorrow will always break my heart. Each young person deserves to be wanted and nurtured. Your daughter should stop to consider the child her deception would create.

Your daughter needs you. Talk with her without judging her. Share your fears for her future; explain how much you love her. Her friends need support as well. Creating a child to secure housing or funds not only shows immaturity, but is a cry for help. “Adulting” is a common term used by teens today, as in, “I’m not looking forward to adulting.” A huge part of living as an adult is self-sufficiency. Babies need parents who can support them financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Becoming a parent can be one of the greatest joys in life. Good parenting encourages personal growth and empowers adults to model exemplary lives. Is parenting for everyone? No. I hope you can guide your daughter and her friends to make the right decision.

Peer Educator response: There are so many levels of wrong in that type of thinking. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Babies should be planned for the right reasons. Keeping a boyfriend or trying to manipulate a partner by a pregnancy is a horrible way to keep a relationship. In the end, they will break up and the baby will be in the middle. Bad idea!