Aug 26, 2016 3 min read

So you skipped past the Ask Annie column and you ended up here for my advice. That was your first mistake, but I’m going to give it to you straight. I’m going to shoot from the hip. I hope no one will get wounded along the way.

Often, I find myself in a precarious position. I am asked for advice, mostly from the lovelorn. Happy couples don’t need advice. They know what they’re doing.

Dear Happy Couples, keep up the good work! I’m offering counsel to the rest of us.

By the way, it’s far easier to fix other people than yourself. It’s one thing to say to someone, “You need to lose or gain weight,” and it’s another thing to actually gain or lose weight. Since most of my advice is for the heartsick, most of them need to lose or gain a whole other person.

Rule 1: Never give advice unless someone asks. It’s the most important advice I can give, which is ironic because I know you didn’t ask for it. I’m giving it anyway. Clearly, I don’t listen to my own words of wisdom.

Giving advice is a bit of a sticky wicket, and it’s hard to unstick that wicket once it’s been stuck. My mouth is a barn door. Once it’s opened, the horses are out and there’s no sense closing it. Usually, I have to hear someone say, “Stop! You’re not making any sense” before I shut my trap.

Say your friend Nancy breaks up with her boyfriend, Sid. You know they weren’t right for each other. You know he was a truly awful human being. Please wait three or four weeks before you tell her that Sid was a giant scumbucket. I find myself railing against someone’s former love, doling out a laundry list of misdeeds minutes after an ugly break-up, only to learn later they’re getting back together the next day. Awkward!

Here’s a little ditty about Jack and Diane. They break up and suddenly the floodgates are open. Jack learns that none of his friends ever liked Diane. He comes to you and says, “Why didn’t you tell me she was a beast from the nether realms?”

It’s hard NOT to say, “You didn’t see the horns? Dude! I mean, come on!”

I have found a much more diplomatic approach. I say, “You seemed so happy. I didn’t want to ruin it. Occasionally she’d swallow the souls of orphan children, but hey, everyone has their little quirks. You go ‘Ahhh’ every time you sip lemonade.” When you are making suggestions to people on how to run (read ruin) their lives, make sure they know you are only offering suggestions. Here’s the thing: Some people will take the advice, and they’ll be miserable. You will be to blame. Others will ignore you, and you’ll be miserable because they were given sage counseling and they blew it off. It’s the Kobayashi Maru. Just like Captain Kirk, I don’t believe in the no-win scenario. My advice is: Don’t give anyone advice. They’ll just mess it up.