Dec 6, 2016 3 min read

Gather round, children, and Unkie Dave will tell you a story while we trim the tree.

It were nigh unto 20 years ago when I began my Christmas quest. It was a dark time – pre-Google, in fact. Don’t roll your eyes, Tiffany! That’s right: No Google!

Look – we’ll never get this thing up if you don’t stop asking questions. Hand me the Tree Dazzler, Nathan.

I wrote columns back then, too, kids. Always searching for new ideas, I was. And it occurred to me that I had never seen a Nativity set made of chocolate. You know – creamy Wise Men, melt-in-your mouth shepherds, indescribably delicious Mary, Joseph, and chocolate holy infant so yummy and mild. “Why?” I wondered.

Well, the reason was simple: No one wanted to bite the head off Baby Jesus.

Yes, Robin! Ewwwww!

I couldn’t see why people thought that would be so icky. After all, we eat chocolate crosses at Easter, right? I figured there had to be some biblical reason why. But I couldn’t find one.

So, just between you and me, I think that maybe the apostle Peter – part of Jesus’ posse and a bit of an emo – got mad at Jesus and said something mean.

“Peter!” Jesus probably said. “It’s OK to kvetch, but you don’t have to bite my head off!”

Yes, that’s exactly what happened, Irving!

That’s why I couldn’t find a chocolate Nativity set anywhere. Well-known candymakers manufactured everything out of chocolate: snowmen, Santas, reindeer – even a Stanley Cup! But no chocolate Jesus.

So I just gave up and wrote about something else Christmassy – a Black Friday stampede at Walmart, maybe. I don’t remember.

Well, kids, time passed, and a new century arrived, and many good things came with it! All of you, for example! And now we have streaming video and online shopping and fake news and blogs and the chance to digitally beat dead horses 24/7.

You’ll understand when you’re old enough to vote, Bernie and Hillary.

And, of course, now we have Google, so I searched – What? I have a flip phone, Kayla; I can’t ask Siri.

And … what do you think I found? That’s right! Chocolate Nativity sets! How many? Lots, Mateus! There’s even one recommended by Oprah that has cherry cordials in the middle! Some come in milk chocolate or white chocolate – just in case milk chocolate gives you a headache or if you want to express your politics in a subtle way.

No, Polly, Dr. Oz hasn’t recommended a healthy one yet.

But ya know what? All the sets Unkie Dave saw have Mary holding her baby. So it’s still going to be pretty tough to bite the head off Jesus.

Yes, Rhiannon, I know that they make Nativity sets out of bacon and cocktail wieners and that no one seems afraid to eat those.

What, Jimmy? They sell sets with the Holy Family as ducks, or otters, or penguins? And there’s a new one this year showing Joseph taking a selfie with Mary and Jesus at the stable? G’wan! Really? Now I’m depressed.

But let’s finish the tree!

Hand me that “Make America Great Again” hat ornament, Tori.

What do you mean, it broke already?

Well … just grab Hallmark’s Mexican Snowman Feliz Navidad Musical Ornament instead.