Dec 7, 2016 4 min read

Q.I don’t want to spend Christmas with my dad. His new girlfriend is only a few years older than me. He’s disgusting around her – kissing and caressing her. He cheated on my mom. That’s why they broke up. Now he wants me at his place for Christmas Day. I want to stay with mom. Plus she’ll be alone on Christmas if I go with him. I hate custody. I hate my dad. I hate his new girlfriend. I may hate Christmas if I have to go to my dad’s. Help!

17-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Your voice matters. Your feelings count. Sharing your concerns with me is a great first step. Consider your text practice for the communication you’ll need to initiate with your parents.

Adult choices are not your responsibility, even when those choices affect your life. You do, however, have the right to articulate your concerns.

Hate is a strong human emotion. Hating breaks connection; if your primary feeling toward your dad is hate, it will be very difficult to talk openly with him. Anger is normal. Express your anger, but do so with respect. Hate will hurt you as well as your link to your father. It sounds difficult, but I suggest sharing your feelings with a neutral person first; we can continue to talk, you could speak with a guidance counselor at school or even a good friend. Talk with your mom and then with your dad. Bottling up anger can make your emotion stronger.

If you genuinely want to avoid your father this holiday, tell both your parents clearly and without blaming anyone. It sounds as if you’re most uncomfortable with your father’s new relationship; that discomfort is coloring the way you perceive him. Avoid judgment when you talk about the holiday. Simply say you prefer your mom’s company – you don’t want to leave her alone on Christmas. You’re not a child. Are you willing to compromise? Perhaps spend most of your day with your mom and a little time with your dad?

Our peer educators’ responses were empathetic – they could relate to being told what to do. Independence is difficult when a person is young, yet relationship challenges remain after adulthood is reached. Communicating with your dad is part of your life. Find a way to relate to him, even if you don’t spend Christmas with him. I don’t think you should compromise your feelings or force yourself to leave your mom this holiday, but I do think you should try to talk with him. Good luck.

Peer Educator response: Communication is truly key here. Talk with your dad, not at him.

Be sincere. Being honest with your father about how you are uncomfortable is one thing, but it is most important to mention how you don’t want to leave your mother alone on Christmas. Even if it’s hard, your parents need to hear you say what you feel. You’ll regret it later if you’re not honest. You may not really hate your dad, but you do hate what he’s done. You need to respect your dad, but you don’t need to approve of his choices. You don’t even need to love him. He’s still your dad. Parents are human, too. Sometimes they lose sight of what is important. Life is a learning process, for both parents and children. We hope your Christmas is joyous.