Dec 20, 2016 3 min read

As 2016 – the Chinese Year of the Monkey – draws to a close, I have a few questions.

• This year, why did we have to wait until almost one week before Christmas to see a news story about someone stealing a statue of Baby Jesus from a Nativity display (this time, in Bethlehem, Pa.)? People just don’t seem to care about the old traditions anymore, that’s why.

Which reminds me of a joke about the infamous Little Johnny.

“Johnny,” the Sunday school teacher asks. “Where was Jesus born?”

“Philadelphia!” Johnny blurts out.

“No,” the teacher responds. “Try again.”

“Dubois?”

“No, Johnny. He was born in Bethlehem.”

“Rats!” Johnny says. “I knew it was in Pennsylvania.”

Other events require a meeting of the minds to fathom out their meaning. Help me out.

• Driving in to Pittsburgh from the north, I saw this roadside sign: CULTURAL DISTRICT 6 MILES. Which made me wonder – How do you know when you’ve entered the Cultural District?

1.) Everyone is wearing top hat and tails.

2.) On your latte cup, Starbucks writes “The Honorable” before your name.

3.) Streetwalkers take American Express.

• For those who celebrate Winter Solstice rather than one of the array of religious festivals that fall in December, a victory. Saying they are part of his “religious attire,” a pagan priest in Maine has been granted the right to wear a pair of goat horns on his state-issued photo identification card. This follows a 2015 ruling that a Pastafarian – a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – could wear a colander on her head in her Massachusetts driver’s license photo. In the wake of these decisions, what other ridiculous religious headgear might now be allowed in photo IDs?

1.) 100-dollar bills (for those who worship money)

2.) A generator (for those who worship power)

3.) A Chicago Cubs baseball cap

• Last week, China seized a U.S. underwater drone that was collecting scientific data. What other mysterious disappearances might China be behind?

1.) Jimmy Hoffa

2.) Pirates’ pitching

3.) Good music since 1995

• On Monday, members of the U.S. Electoral College voted overwhelmingly for Donald Trump, almost assuring that he will become president on Jan. 20. But what last-ditch efforts to prevent it might Democrats still try?

1.) Enact a Constitutional amendment taking January out of the calendar.

2.) Paint the White House green so Trump can’t find it.

3.) Change the name of the country.

• Now that the Russians have apparently hacked the U.S. political system, to which critical U.S. contest will they next turn their attention?

1.) The Super Bowl

2.) “The Voice”

3.) The National Princess-in-Training Pageant (Cranberry Township, Pa.)

• If that sign says CULTURAL DISTRICT 6 MILES, what should a sign say as you are leaving the Cultural District?

1.) TURN DOWN YOUR NOSE!

2.) NEXT TIME, DON’T TAKE UP TWO PARKING SPACES, JAGOFF!

3.) NOW ENTERING OHIO

• By most accounts, 2016 has been a pretty rotten year. But what year might be considered worse?

1.) 1347, when the Black Plague began a five-year, LDRO (Lying-Down Room Only) run in Europe.

2.) 65.5 million B.C., when an asteroid struck Mexico’s Yucatán Peninsula, killing the dinosaurs and – perhaps even more tragic – the Flintstones.

3.) 2017

So long, 2016.

Don’t let the screen door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.