Feb 16, 2016 4 min read

Random thoughts with Valentine’s Day just past:

You don’t have to be an Einstein to figure out Valentine’s Day is only for women. As a female friend pointed out, just try to find a romantic gift for a guy. Frilly Jockey shorts are nowhere to be seen. Nor is candy that comes in a box the shape of, say, a sledgehammer.

Of course, your notion of romance and mine may not jibe, and not all men like “manly” things. Cosmopolitan.com, however, doesn’t seem to get it. A magazine written by men for women until Helen Gurley Brown revamped it in the mid-1960s, Cosmopolitan teamed up this year with AskMen.com to produce “What Men Really Want.” It’s a list of supposedly romantic stuff men say they want. But to me they seem to be items that women think men ought to like. Among them are:

Liqueur Tasting Shot Glasses: six, 2.25-oz. shot glasses in a wooden rack. Wastes time. Why not one, 13.5-oz. tumbler in a Styrofoam Budweiser cozy?

Microbrew of the Month Club membership: I’m not much of a drinker. Is this beer in small bottles?

Eagle Rare 17-year Bourbon: Much better than Rare 16-year Bourbon, apparently. But how much better can it be than 1968 Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill?

Generation Kill DVD: A recounting of the adventures of U.S. Marines in Iraq in 2003. Puppies dressed in desert camo would work for me. Bark and ahhhh!

Ultimate Grilling Set: Includes exotic rubs as well as oak and cedar grilling planks. Perfect for the gourmet premade burgers men buy at Aldi.

Custom-designed Chuck Taylor All Stars: Low-cut canvas sneakers with his name embroidered at the heel. Universally acclaimed as the most uncomfortable tennis shoes ever made.

Wilson NFL Pro Replica Official Composite Football: Has a composite rather than leather covering that “is ideal for play in any type of weather.” Yup, don’t wanna drop the ball and splash mud on your new Chucks.

Perusing the list, I gather than women want bellicose men who drink a lot, trap, skin and dress their own meat, and yet are secure enough in their manhood to wear a pair of embroidered sneakers while running with a football that their puny fingers are not strong enough to grip in wet weather.

Sorry, Cosmo, but a six-pack of Snickers would make me yours for life.

Tit for tat department: Kentucky state Rep. Mary Lou Marzian, a Louisville Democrat, has introduced a bill designed to allow the government to stick its pointy nose into men’s decisions about what they do with their own bodies. House Bill 396 would require a man to visit a doctor twice before having a prescription for erectile dysfunction (ED) treatments written. Marzian, who is also a nurse, points out that the well-known side-effects of ED drugs are multiple and potentially dangerous, so some thought should go into seeking them. Specifically, the bill will:

1. Require a man to have two (2) office visits on two (2) different calendar days before the health care practitioner prescribes a drug for erectile dysfunction to him;

2. Prescribe a drug for erectile dysfunction only to a man who is currently married;

3. Require a man to produce a signed and dated letter from the man’s current spouse providing consent for a prescription for erectile dysfunction; and

4. Require a man to make a sworn statement with his hand on a Bible that he will only use a prescription for a drug for erectile dysfunction when having sexual relations with his current spouse.”

Marzian’s bill comes one week after Kentucky’s governor, Republican Matt Bevin, signed an “informed consent” bill requiring women to have a face-to-face consultation with a health-care provider before getting an abortion.

You go, girl!

Gentlemen, if you’re still bothered by this story four hours after reading it, call your doctor.