Feb 17, 2016 3 min read

Q. This is a weird question, but it’s really starting to worry me. I have a boyfriend. I thought we had a great relationship. I just found out he watches porn just about every day. Is he addicted? I told him to stop, but he said it’s no big deal. I think it is.

– 19-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Your concern is deeper than your partner viewing pornography, although I think we will look at the concept of addiction versus the idea of a habit or a compulsion to do something.

First, let’s consider your feelings. You say this is a “big deal” to you, but your partner does not agree. When I presented your concern to our peer educators, I used the question “What is cheating?” to introduce the idea.

I initially removed the pornography aspect of your situation – which is controversial – to ease into discussion. I wanted our young people to hit upon the core of your concern: communication.

If one person feels something like flirting is actually cheating and the other person feels it’s “no big deal,” the relationship is in jeopardy.

I believe you need to communicate the severity of your feelings about your partner’s porn use to him. I believe he needs to “listen to hear” and have empathy for you. Compromise is a great relationship skill.

Porn is common. Not long ago, people needed a movie projector to view pornography; now it is accessible with one cellphone click. There are over 420 million “adult” websites online.

The debate about how pornography affects young people is long and complex. While some may watch porn to avoid intimacy, others enjoy the eroticism and self-pleasure associated with it.

I’d like to discuss addiction. A physical addiction occurs when individuals are chemically drawn to a substance like nicotine; they have a biologic reaction to its use. A compulsion can be described as pressure to do something that is undesirable. A habit is an automatic sequence of actions.

Your partner’s porn use may simply be habitual. If you communicate your distress and hear his response, you may be able to find common ground.

Let’s continue talking. I’ll be happy to meet with you both. Good luck.

Peer educators’ response:

We think watching porn isn’t necessarily addicting. Many people your age watch pornography. This is your boyfriend’s body, and it is his right to do what he wishes as long as he hurts no one.

On the other hand, this bothers you. Maybe he could watch less. If he is only aroused by porn and not by an actual person, that could be a problem.

Watching porn may not mean he doesn’t want to be with you, but you need to work that out.