Jan 1, 2016 3 min read

Last year, I won a gift basket silent auction at a gala. The basket was provided by a local casino. I got two $50 slot play cards, $100 dining at the casino restaurants, two T-shirts, mugs and a fancy Polo shirt that makes me look like a high-stakes gambler because it reads “Poker Club” on it. If they knew I only play the penny slots, they’d probably take it away from me.

I went through the two $50 slot play cards pretty quickly. I’ve worn the shirts a few times and even drank out of the coffee mug. After holding on to the restaurant card for a year, I finally started to eat at the casino. I went down Sunday for a portobello sandwich and some onion rings.

It was my lucky night because I won money. Forty bucks! OK. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but I left with a hundred-dollar bill. When I walked in, I only had around $60. Walking out with Benjamin Franklin was good enough for me. Ben joined my party after I got to spin the wheel on an Ellen DeGeneres-themed slot machine. When Ellen dances, you get bonus play. When you get three red couches, you get to spin the big wheel (I wish I was making this part up, because it’s hilarious).

On the way out, I noticed a slot machine that looked like fun. I walked toward it, but a Little Old Man also walked toward it. I was nice and gave him the seat at the game. It took him 10 minutes to walk to the chair. I kept thinking about that Tim Conway character on “The Carol Burnett Show.” I stayed to watch him play. If he was going to win, I was going to be angry because I gave him the spot. He sat in the chair for several minutes and got up. It didn’t even look like he pressed any buttons.

In my wallet, Ben had been keeping company with Abraham Lincoln. I decided to play with the five-dollar bill. There was three cents on the machine when I sat down. I slid Abe into the slot. The Little Old Man came back and said, “I forgot to cash out.”

I thought, “I guess he really needs those three pennies.”

He hit the button, took the slip and wandered off. I hit the button and nothing happened. It slowly dawned on me that the Little Old Man scammed me. He walked away with my five dollars … and his three cents. When I got up from the machine, he was gone. Apparently, he could move faster. I was enraged. Not because I couldn’t spare a five, but because I let it happen.

In retrospect, I’m glad I stuck Abe in there and not Ben.

If I go back, and I will because I have $22 remaining on the restaurant card, I’ll make sure no one touches my slot machine when I’m sitting at it.

If you hear about someone slugging a cocktail waitress at the casino, it’ll be me. She probably leaned in too close.

Have a happy and safe New Year, and beware the Artful Codger.