Jan 8, 2016 3 min read

I didn’t realize I was going 80 mph when I heard the flashing lights and saw the siren. Strike that. Reverse it.

I was taking my mom and nephew Nick to Ohio to see my brother Rick and his wife, Vickie.

Yes, there’s a Ricky, Vickie and Nicky in this story. Who needs to write comedy when it comes naturally like this?

But I digress, like I do. The copper was on my tail. I went about a mile before I could find a safe place to pull over.

I’m sure it looked like a police chase from the bird’s-eye view.

Not that any birds were actually watching.

You don’t want to be pulled over by the cops when your mom is in the back seat.

Trust me.

It took him a long time to get out of the squad car. Occasionally, someone would slow down to see who was pulled over. Like they’re going to know me?! You can see them smirk as they roll by. I put my hand over my face, in case they actually did know me.

He still was sitting there. I kept thinking he probably didn’t have enough space to walk over to me because cars were whizzing by. I thought I should pull over a little more to give him some room, but I was afraid if I started the engine and moved the car even an inch, he’d just shoot me.

You never know these days.

He must have been running the license plates. I was driving my mom’s new car. She hasn’t had a traffic ticket in years, so I knew the plates were clean. I wish my driving record was as spotless. It is not. Quelle surprise.

After a few, long moments, he finally came over to the car. I rolled down the window and he said, “It’s your lucky day. I have to go out on another call. Just watch your speed.”

I apologized and thanked him and he was gone. I make dark jokes to my passengers. Much like, “Hey, thanks for killing your husband, lady. You just saved me a hundred bucks!”

It was my fondest wish that the policeman went off to arrest an old man who was stealing money out of slot machines at the local casino.

Side note: See last week’s column, “The Artful Codger.” It’s all connected.

I harkened back to the strangest Disneyland attraction of all time, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. It’s the story of Mr. Toad from “The Wind and the Willows.” Unlike the book, it’s really about a frog in a car. He gets sent to hell for his reckless driving (seriously, consult Wikipedia). Frogs are notoriously bad drivers, but I don’t believe they should suffer eternal damnation for it.

Meanwhile, I was going the speed limit. I stayed within the lines and everything, all the way to Rick’s and Vick’s and back again. By the way, I saw several people who were pulled over on that drive both in Pennsylvania and Ohio. Be careful out there.