Jul 27, 2016 3 min read

Q.I’m curious. What is intersex? I was fooling around on my computer and saw the word. My dad came past and I was afraid to read the page. Our computer is in the kitchen. People are always watching me. I learn stuff from my friends’ phones at school, but it’s summer. Intersex is not the same as transgender, right? I heard about transgender on the bus. Thanks!

– 13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I’m happy to answer your question. Before I do, may I please talk about your relationship with your dad? I want you to have a trusted adult in your life as you become a teen.

If your computer is in a public place, I’m guessing your dad wants to protect you from sites he considers dangerous or information he feels you are too young to process. I suggest an honest conversation with him. Wait until you both have time for a relaxed talk. Start by telling him how much you appreciate his concern for you. Share your curiosity. Tell him you’d really like him to be the adult you go to with questions. If your dad isn’t open to talking with you, tell him you’d like to find another adult family member with whom you can discuss your questions. Your dad may feel awkward talking about sexual topics, but a grandparent may be happy to be your trusted adult.

This message is for your dad: Young people are naturally curious about many things. The questions I receive from 13-year-olds are some of my favorites. Many parents monitor their children’s computers without realizing how much access their kids have to information on friends’ phones and at school. School buses are “Sex Ed 101,” but without correct information. Create an open atmosphere where you can be an askable parent. Be the adult your child turns to with questions. Don’t judge those questions. Curiosity doesn’t mean experience, and open communication will strengthen both your child and your relationship. I’ll be happy to speak with you any time.

Intersex is a term used to describe individuals born with anatomy or genetics that do not fit into typical definitions of male or female. For example, an intersex baby may be born with external body parts (genitals) that appear female but have mostly internal male anatomy. An intersex baby may also be born with mosaic genetics, so some cells have XX chromosomes and some have XY. The Intersex Society of North America (http://www.isna.org/) provides information and advocacy for intersex individuals and their families.

Many doctors choose a concealment-centered approach for intersex babies. Surgery is often performed to “normalize” them, parents are not given full information, and care may involve traumatizing procedures and shame. Today, intersex advocates are seeking open communication with parents/heath care providers and individual-centered care to treat each child with respect.

Intersex is not the same as transgender. Transgender deals with a person’s gender identity; intersex is about biological characteristics. Ask your dad or another trusted adult to watch the video “What it’s like to be Intersex” with you (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAUDKEI4QKI ). Living as intersex individuals can be difficult; lack of education about the topic makes their lives tougher. Each person is a person of worth. Thank you for asking a challenging question and listening respectfully to the answer.