Jun 2, 2016 3 min read

So now they’re saying Botox causes bones to dissolve. True, this was just an item on Facebook, along with the items that say coffee cures liver disease and also causes liver disease. But still.

Evolution does not want us to look a whole lot younger than our chronological age. Except for Meryl Streep, who apparently got hold of the best plastic surgeon on the planet or has freakishly forgiving genes, because she looks young without having that swept-back look. Nobody messes with that face and gets away with it.

I’ve written on this page about my Botox experience – how it caused me to feel trapped inside my forehead. While it did erase the “11” between my brows, I realized after it was too late that mothers have that “11” for a reason: We need it to give our kids the “stink eye.”

Well, my “11” is back, and then some. The same clueless force of nature that causes the forehead to collapse right when we mothers finally have time to get dolled up and go out to have some fun – has now brought crow’s feet. I came to this appalling realization several weeks ago when, at a long red light, I looked in the rear-view mirror to check out my “11” and noticed the three horizontal lines spanning outward from the corners of my eyes. I was able to smooth them out a bit by raising my eyebrows, but as soon as I relaxed, the lines came back.

This is where a more enlightened woman would talk about how she earned those lines, how they add character to her face, and how those crow’s feet are her friends. We all know those are just platitudes pushed by the cosmetics companies to keep us from throwing in the towel and giving up on makeup altogether.

The crow’s feet might give my face character (a very tired character), but between those lines is skin. And that skin now gets caught in my eyelash curler, making it necessary for me to use my left hand to pull the flappy eye skin out of the way while I crimp my lashes with the other hand. I caught a sizeable pinch of skin in the curler the other day, and now that part of the wrinkle pokes out from the rest of the mess over on that side. Remember when we were teens and played that game where you pinch a bit of skin on the back of your hand and watch it snap right back? I pinched the back of my hand an hour ago and I still have a skin teepee there.

One of the reasons the Botox addicts look so odd is they get the injections at the corners of their eyes. It’s supposed to remove the crow’s feet, but when applied in excess it gives their faces the effect of a drawing from the funny pages being stretched out on Silly Putty.

And if it turns out to be true the Botox eats away at bone, wouldn’t that cause even more wrinkles? With bones shrinking, what would hold the skin up? So these are our choices: shrunken apples or Silly Putty faces. I can feel my “11” deepening as I scowl at the thought.

I wonder if Meryl Streep would share her secret.

Beth Dolinar can be reached at cootiej@aol.com.