Jun 8, 2016 3 min read

Q. Do you help adults? I was reading about the Stanford rape case. What happened was a student received a very light sentence for an on-campus rape. I shared the situation with my mom. I’m really close with my mom. All of a sudden she started crying. I learned about triggers at the Teen Outreach mental health conference this year. It turns out my mom was raped in college. Could this situation be a trigger for her? Now she says she’s sorry she told me, but I told her I’m old enough to know. I now understand why she’s always been so protective of me. What should I do next?

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Your conversation with your mom made her mentally relive trauma. You are correct; this situation was a trigger for her. It’s not your fault. The Stanford case is well known. You didn’t cause her trauma.

It’s impossible to know the reason your mom is sorry she told you, but I can guess some possibilities. As a parent, your mother wants to protect you. Acknowledging a painful time from her past exposes you to the trauma she survived. Rape is a complicated assault. Our culture tends to blame the victim, essentially traumatizing a woman twice. If your mother’s college experience involved a mugging or other physical attack, she may not feel as vulnerable. Parents seldom reveal their sexual lives to their children; with rape the sex was non-consensual and violent. Not only do you now know about her traumatic past, images about her body and her sexuality may enter your mind. Your mom may wish she could take away your knowledge to protect you both.

I think supporting your mom is key. Tell her your respect for her is unchanged. Share your deep love for her. State the obvious: the rape shouldn’t have happened; you are not only her daughter, but also her friend; you’re glad you know so you can be there for her. Offer the gift of your presence. Treat her as you’ve always treated her.

Encourage her to seek counseling. It’s never too late to address trauma. Remember your role. You are her daughter, not her counselor. Don’t push her for details, and avoid talking with her about the trauma unless she initiates the conversation.

Bearing the full weight of your mom’s pain alone can be traumatic to you. Ask her if an adult is aware of her past. Your grandparents or your mom’s friends could provide adult support. Do not disclose her history.

Responding to your mom’s needs requires maturity, empathy and respect. Empathy is not sympathy or pity, but a connection with another person. Let your love guide you. You ask if I help adults. I will be happy to meet with your mom, with you, or with both of you together. Good luck.

Peer Educator response: This is tricky. Remind your mom you are there for her. Even just hugging her and letting her cry might mean a lot to her. Tread lightly. Remind her as much as possible that you love her and you’re there, but don’t bring the rape up unless she wants to talk about it.