Jun 15, 2016 4 min read

Q.I played a game about relationships with you when I was a high school teen. Now, I’m the mom of a confused 13-year-old who has trouble making friends and thinks everyone else has a boyfriend. I think the activity dealt with keys. Can you remind me of it?

Mom who remembers

Mary Jo’s response:

It’s wonderful to be remembered. Thank you. The game is called the Top Ten Keys to Relationships, updated now to include social media. Your 13-year-old is lucky to have you – stay involved. Parents matter.

1. Get involved: Pitch in. Work hard if you’re on a committee or team. Do your part. Smile. Looking interested, happy and pleasant can open doors and make other people feel at ease with you.

2. Listen: Everyone likes to be heard. Listen to others with interest. Don’t plan your response while someone is speaking; be attentive. Ask questions about others. Don’t talk about yourself too much.

3. Be honest: Lies often come back to haunt us. Bragging at the start of a relationship or friendship may not be sustainable. Think of the comedies you’ve watched; 90 percent of the plots would fall apart if people were truthful.

4. Compromise: Your way isn’t always the right way. Stand strong for your values, but compromise on small things like where to eat or which movie to see. Find common ground.

5. Choose wisely: Whether you’re seeking a friend or a dating partner, be selective. Don’t lower your expectations. Seek someone with the same maturity level as you.

6. Be cautious on social media: Letting relationships play out on social media can be dangerous. Post wisely. Ask permission to post pictures. Say kind things. Keep arguments off Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and any other social media you use. Don’t post something that could cause anger; do not disrespect others on social media. Don’t bully.

7. Be other-directed: Consider the needs of your friends or your partner and hear their concerns. Be kind. When friends and partners are happy, we’re happy.

8. Be selfish: Being selfish may sound like a contradiction to key No. 7. It’s not. Be selfish about what really matters to you. Thinking of others, compromising on small matters – these are important keys to successful relationships. But … your body is your own, and your values are important. Be selfish with your body and your decisions on big things. Do only what is right for you. Think before you act.

9. Respect: Respecting others is a primary human goal. Be accepting of others. Respect yourself. Be sensitive – your words matter. Honor diversity in ethnicity, age, ability, gender, race and sexuality. Consider other people’s feelings. If you don’t like the way someone is dressed, be silent. Don’t put others down. You will not always agree with friends or even your partner. Learning to disagree and debate without hate is a crucial skill for relationships.

10. Stand strong: Know your values and stand strong for them. Talk with trusted adults to help decide your beliefs and then live by them.