Mar 2, 2016 4 min read

Q.What do I do when a good friend is biased? I really care about this friend, but I’ve heard her saying nasty, hurtful things about LGBT individuals. I’m an ally. I feel horrible when she talks about people with disrespect. I don’t think she can be my friend. Thanks.

17-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I applaud your respectful approach to life.

As an ally, you seek connection, develop empathy and support others who are different from you. I believe we are all allies. Like you, I’m an ally to LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans) individuals; I’m also an ally for racial justice and an ally to individuals living with different abilities. I once said I was an ally to older people, but time is smoothly placing me in that category. I will always be an ally to young people! “Each person is a person of worth” means we look for our common bonds. Most people want the same things: food, safety, shelter, time with loved ones, fulfilling work and a chance to grow and learn and create.

You have several choices with your friend. Please remember bias is taught; no newborn is prejudiced. People in our lives model acceptance or disrespect. You can be a role model simply by living your life with integrity and respect for others. Choosing to set a positive example for your friend would avoid confrontation.

You can choose to do more. Communication matters. Have you tried talking with your friend without blaming her? Be empathetic – listen to the “why” of her words. Explain your feelings and your beliefs as an ally and gauge her reaction. Is she open to hearing your thoughts? Young people are learning; she may be willing to meet with me or join our peer education group. Gentle exposure to the idea of worthiness might help.

Finally, you can limit your friendship. Friends influence us. Choosing to remove her from your life is a huge decision. I think she needs to know why you’re unhappy. Regardless of her reaction, being honest with her, with respect, will be a strong message. Our peer educators’ wisdom will support you.

Peer Educators’ response: We believe allies need to stand up for LGBT individuals. You can try calmly stating your belief that disrespect for anyone isn’t OK. Some of us have tried to ignore friends like this, but we don’t like being around judgmental people. As an ally, you should try to educate those who are extremely biased. Bias can be from ignorance, so facts may help. Have you tried telling your friend to be chill when LGBT individuals are around? You need to be firm about what being an ally means to you. We might not see it, but the people we hang around with influence how we act. Friends rub off on us in ways we don’t always notice. You can try to influence your friend in a positive way. If that doesn’t work, surround yourself with people you aspire to be like and who motivate you to be a better person.

Our Common Ground Teen Center (53 N. College St. in Washington) has teen-created evenings for all young people ages 14 to 18. Monday nights are Arts Nights. Teens paint, do woodworking, sing and read poetry or spoken word. Thursday nights are peer educator meetings. March 4 is peer educator training. On Fridays, a group for young people in recovery meets (PSS – Peer Sobriety Support). The center is open from 3 to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday.