Mar 16, 2016 3 min read

Q:I found out my little brother was watching porn on his iPhone. He just turned 12. At first I thought I’d not say anything to our parents because I knew he’d be mad at me. But then I realized I needed to protect him. I think he’s too young to handle the kinds of stuff he was watching. It’s hard-core stuff, not just naked pics. I tried to talk with him but he wouldn’t listen to me. I told our mom. Now he’s grounded and his phone is taken from him. He says he hates me. How can I get him to understand what I did was for him? I want him to trust me.

17-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: One of the scenarios our peer leaders created for our drug and alcohol education program deals with a similar situation: When is a sibling responsible for reporting risky behavior? In my opinion, you dealt with a complicated challenge in a mature way. When in doubt, seek help from a trusted adult.

At 12, your younger brother is curious about sexuality. Curiosity is normal and OK. Ideally, young people would have quality sexuality education that offers not only information, but also guidance and skill-building. Vital topics at 12 include puberty, relationships (unhealthy and healthy), communication, decision-making, problem-solving, positive body awareness and body image, self-respect, and peer pressure. Medically accurate responses should be given to questions, and all youth should be respected, regardless of gender, gender identity or sexual orientation.

Porn is not sex ed. Pornography is not real life.

Your brother needs a teacher; you could easily fill that role. Your parents’ reactions – grounding your brother and removing his phone – may appear helpful in the short run, but creating open communication between your brother and his family is necessary as he grows older. He’s only 12; more challenges are ahead.

Your brother needs support. Your parents know your brother well; he may respond to their discipline and make changes in his life. Adding communication is important. Your brother needs to know why pornography doesn’t represent real life. He needs to know he can go to you and your parents with questions. You need to articulate the obvious to him. He needs to know he’s OK and being sexually curious is normal; this incident doesn’t change him. Please don’t shame him. Your brother is still a good person.

Your brother is angry now, but you can ease his tension. Share your reasons for telling your parents. Tell him you were troubled and why. Share your thoughts about sex, about porn and about relationships. Be there. Don’t preach. Hear his side. If he won’t talk with you, tell him you’re not going away – you are his brother for always and you will support him. Accept his anger. Respect him. Don’t give up on your relationship. Trust lost is tough to regain. Meet him halfway and show you can be trusted.

Peer Educator Response: You made a mature decision. Your brother doesn’t hate you – he’s just mad. Siblings do this. Teach him. Ask him, “How did you find out about this site? Do you know sex isn’t like this in real life?” We know this is a hard conversation and he may feel embarrassed and uncomfortable, but talk with him about sex.