May 4, 2016 4 min read

Q.How do I get my son to talk with me? He’s 15 and mostly grunts or answers in a few words when I ask him how his day was. When he was a little guy, he didn’t want to leave my sight. Now it seems like I always say the wrong thing. He texts more than he speaks.

Frustrated parent

Mary Jo’s response: I should start a support group for parents of 15-year-olds! Parents tell me monosyllabic answers are the norm. I’m told teens communicate with five typical responses: “I’m good” and “Fine” in response to “How was your day?”; “I don’t know” when asked about past choices; “Nothing” in response to “What happened in school today?”; and “Everyone” when asked who will be going to a party.

In my opinion, noncommunicative teens are a myth. I spend most of my days with young people. They are as unique in their communication styles as adults. Generalizing any group leads to miscommunication.

Here are some hints for connecting with young people:

1. Listen. Listen. Listen some more: Every young person wants a good “listening to.” Put down your phone, turn off the TV, make a snack and simply offer the gift of your presence. Don’t pry. Asking open-ended questions can help. Be honest. Try starting with “I need…” or “I feel…” For example: “I need your opinion about something” or “I feel your voice matters in this family discussion.”

2. Articulate the obvious: Your son is incredibly important to you. Say so. Nurture your young person. Give appropriate praise. Tell him how much you enjoy spending time with him.

3. Respect: Each encounter with a teen is a cross-cultural experience. Just as we adjust to the culture of another country when we travel, we need to respect teen culture if we hope to connect. When I taught in China, I learned by listening, observing and honoring Chinese culture; approach teens with the same respect. Texting counts in adolescent culture.

4. Learn: Confused about social media? Ask a young person. Dana Boyd’s book “It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens,” dispels myths about teen disconnection. Texting is talking to many young people. Learn to communicate using the methods teens favor. For more information, check out http://www.danah.org/books/ItsComplicated.pdf.

5. Validate: Many young people tell me they feel invisible. See them. Honor their opinions. Avoid criticism. Disagreeing with respect is an art. Building a wall between a teen and an adult is easy; don’t create drama. Perspective helps; differences in opinion are OK. Remember how you felt at 15.

6. Self-Reflect: Step back. What does your body language communicate? The music behind your words reflects your feelings and intent more than your language. If you wouldn’t use a negative tone with a co-worker, don’t use it with your young person.

7. Model: Teens respect boundaries. Be a parent, not a best buddy. Don’t try to be a teen. Model well; you’re being observed. Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear when you say.” Living your life with integrity is your best teaching tool.

Adolescence is a brief moment in your son’s life. In three years he will be 18. Enjoy his presence. Someday he will be an adult. How you communicate now will set the tone for your adult/adult communication. Good luck.