Nov 16, 2016 3 min read

Q.I know something. My stepdad has a girlfriend. I saw him kissing her. So, then I checked his phone. He has a ton of texts to her and they’re about sex. My mom doesn’t know. I don’t know what to do. My stepdad married my mom when I was a little kid, so he’s the only dad I know. I’m scared I’ll mess up the family if I tell my mom. My brother is home for Thanksgiving. I figured I’d tell him, but now I think maybe I should forget it. I wish I didn’t know. I can’t stop thinking about this. I can’t sleep. Is telling my mom the right thing to do?

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Doing the right thing is often difficult.

I think you are a courageous person. You’re struggling with a complicated decision; your feelings of safety and well-being have changed with this knowledge.

If your mom knows, she may be hurt and her relationship with your stepdad may change. Remember, you are not the person who will cause her pain; your stepdad’s choices are the reason for anything negative that happens in the future. You are not responsible for adult actions.

I hear your confusion. You also sound angry and frightened. Making this decision is affecting your life. Once you make this choice, I believe you will feel a sense of relief. I think you’ve already decided to tell your mom, and your brother’s arrival over the holiday can help you. Talk with him. Ask his opinion. Telling your mom is the right thing to do, but I don’t want you to do it alone. Your brother’s thoughts will help fortify your decision and his presence will make a difficult experience a little easier.

Your maturity is obvious. I am sorry you face this difficult choice. Good luck.

Q.My dad has a new girlfriend. I live with my mom. I’m going to meet dad’s girlfriend for the first time over Thanksgiving. I want to have an open mind. No one can take my mom’s place. Still, if my dad likes her, I think I should try to like her, too. How can I make her like me?

13-year-old

Your willingness to have an open mind is a sign of maturity. I’m proud of you. You’re correct, your dad’s girlfriend shouldn’t take your mom’s place. It’s still possible to have a positive relationship with her.

Talk with your mom and share your feelings; talk with your dad and tell him what you told me.

Be yourself. Be respectful and kind. Talk with your dad’s girlfriend – share your school experiences, your favorite things to do, your favorite movies – make conversation. Listen to her. Ask her to share her favorite things. Think of the way you make new friends at school. Ask your dad to help you connect with her. As an adult, she is responsible for welcoming you. Stay connected to your mom. I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday.