Oct 7, 2016 3 min read

Clowns are descending upon American towns and terrorizing people. No. Not politicians campaigning for re-election. Even scarier clowns!

Someone is sending in the clowns, and it’s freaking people out. The whole thing is nothing to shake a stick at, unless you’re a ringmaster.

If you have coulrophobia or any clown-related fears, read no further. There were some legitimate attacks and serious high-level pranking, and I do want to be sensitive to everyone involved. For some, clowns are no laughing matter. However, my profession as a standup comedian and humor columnist precludes me from taking this too seriously. I mean, clowns. Clowns! I stared at the articles saying, “Seriously?!” over and over again. It seems so bizarre, but these fools are showing up in the woods and being generally creepy.

There was a clown-related incident on Penn State’s campus Oct. 4. The clown activity was suspected to be a fraternity hazing activity. According to Penn State’s Collegian newspaper, “Hundreds of students ran through the campus Monday night after multiple sightings and reports about clowns in the area. A giant image of a clown was projected onto the Beaver Hill apartments, and there was no word on who was responsible for the projected image.” I blame Stephen King and his killer clown, Pennywise.

The Ford City police issued a statement, “Due to the high volume of sightings over the U.S., the Ford City Police will be proactively patrolling the streets and challenging anyone dressed up like a clown, including during Trick or Treating.” They are urging people to apply common sense at Halloween, and NOT to apply white pancake makeup. They warn, “Dress like a clown, plan on meeting the police.” I would add, “On Halloween, if you dress like a clown, plan on meeting a policeman, a cowboy, a French maid and a sexy vampire.”

I bet money they’re going to bust some 7-year-old going door to door looking for mini-Milky Ways and tiny Kit Kats.

Meanwhile, the mischievous clowns in question are popping up all over the country. The phenomenon even prompted Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey to release a statement. The circus people said, “It is troubling because it’s a distraction for our clowns, who just want to make people laugh and smile.” Um. No one brought up John Wayne Gacy at the news conference.

I am seeing the horror/comedy movie in my head. A young attractive freshman spots size-20 footprints outside her dorm. She hears honking in the distance. Is it wild geese or the killer clown’s nose?

Side note: In the Bill Murray movie “Quick Change,” we learned “Sometimes their noses are horns!”

Wait for it. I know you’re waiting for it.

But I digress, like I do.

I wouldn’t want to encounter a clown in the woods, on a college campus or anywhere outside of the big top. Heed this warning: Beware of anyone with garish clothes, rainbow wigs and bottles of seltzer.

If I see a clown terrorizing people, I’m going to do the only sensible thing you can do in times like these: I’m going to call Batman!