Oct 12, 2016 3 min read

Q.I took your sex ed class at W&J when you first started it. Now, I’m pregnant with my first baby. I remember casually asking you when parents should start teaching their children about sexuality, and you said, “At birth.” Can you help me remember the rest?

– Wants to do this right

Mary Jo’s response: Of course. It’s nice to be remembered. Congratulations!

Many people confuse the word sexuality with sexual acts or experiences. In truth, we are all sexual, even if we never have physical sex. Sexuality is part of us, in our need for touch, in our sensuous reactions to life, in our connections with others, in our hormones and in our bodies. Discovering our sexuality and our gender are important aspects of finding ourselves. We are worthy of knowledge.

I don’t mean parents should teach babies about sex; I do mean they are teaching every day of their children’s lives, even if they are silent. Silence is a huge message.

When a baby is born, parents and loving adults hold the child. Some infants love to be snuggled tightly – the uterus is a tight space. Some babies love the motion of rocking, since it mimics the movement the little one experienced in utero, before birth. When we bathe babies, when we dress them and play with them, they thrive from our chaste touch. These non-verbal messages teach children their bodies are beautifully made.

The music behind the words we use when our children are toddlers – our tone of voice – is another teachable moment about their sexuality. Acceptance is conveyed as much by our body language and tone as by our words. When we name their body parts and give their genitals real names, we reinforce their bodies are OK. Approaching toilet learning without shame and fear empowers them.

Preschoolers are curious. Answer questions. Do not say, “You’re too young for that question.” Instead, give brief, appropriate answers. Less is more. Be the adult your child turns to when confused, when an off-color joke is told, and when other children “teach” on the school bus and at the lunch table. Say, “I love you forever. Nothing you can ever ask me will take away my love and my respect for you.” Admit to uncomfortable feelings. Say, “No one answered my questions when I was young. I want to be there for you, but I might not know what to say. If I don’t know an answer, we’ll figure it out together.”

Children learn from what we do more than from what we say. The choices adults make in relationships speak loudly. You are your child’s most important role model. Teach by example.

An excellent resource for parents is Deborah Roffman’s “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Become Your Kids ‘Go To’ Person about Sex.”

Please enjoy your little one and relax. You’ll be ready when questions happen!

Finally, October is Let’s Talk Month. We’re hosting a parent/youth conversation at our Common Ground Teen Center from 7 to 8 p.m. Monday, Oct. 24. Downloadable information on Let’s Talk is available at http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/lets-talk-month.