Oct 19, 2016 5 min read

Q:I have a 6-year-old boy and a 4-year-old boy. They play very well together. But recently my older son has been touching my younger son in a playful way, but that bothers me and I want both boys to know it is not appropriate, but without making them ashamed. They wrestle and play around, but last night my older boy was pulling on the younger boy’s penis. They were laughing when I came in, but I asked them about it and the older boy said they weren’t doing anything. I later asked the 4-year-old, and he said his brother often pulls his pants down and slaps his butt. I asked him if it bothered him, and he said it did, so I told him he should tell his brother how he feels so he stops. I have always told both of the kids their penis was a private and only they should touch them. I explained mommies and daddies and doctors sometimes need to examine or clean them, but that is all. It bothers me the older boy did this and then denied it. I think he is just curious about it, but what if he becomes curious about other things later as he gets older and thinks his brother is someone he can manipulate? So first off, is this normal? I suspect it is. And then how should I talk to him about it in a way that doesn’t shame him but yet makes clear that it is really not OK. I don’t think my older boy is becoming a predator, but I want to protect the younger one.

Mary Jo’s response: Great, insightful questions. Thanks for emailing me.

First, I don’t think your 6-year-old is becoming a predator. Curiosity is normal. I do think he’s manipulating his brother, but innocently. I think your 4-year-old needs protected, and both boys need to learn limits, respect and consent.

I ponder when the idea of consent originates in a child’s thinking. I’m convinced it starts early, yet we adults don’t always notice. Many parents will tickle a child, with the child laughing, but also breathlessly saying “stop” between laughs. I’ve done this myself. I think we should indeed stop. Children need to be heard. They don’t have power over adults, so telling them they can prevent someone intent on hurting them is setting them up for guilt if someone does molest them. We should instead teach individuals in power (adults, older siblings) to respect children. The touch doesn’t need to be sexual for it to be nonconsensual. For example, let’s say you have a family member like my dear grandma. My cousins and I saw her often. She would squish us in a huge hug and kiss our cheeks, pinching them with much affection. Was she a good person? Totally. Still, as children we were never given permission to say, “Not now, grandma” or “I don’t feel like kissing today.”

I suggest:

1. Talk gently with your younger son alone. Tell him his brother is a great sibling who loves him, but his body, especially his private stuff, is his to touch. You’re on the right track here. He isn’t comfortable with his older brother’s touch; it needs to stop. Tell him you will teach his brother. Explain consent, using the grandma analogy I shared. Tell him anything involving his body – from being tickled or unwanted touch – requires his consent. His body belongs to him. Stress he’s done nothing wrong. Listen to him. Assure him you won’t judge him; he should talk with you about anything and tell you the truth.

2. Talk gently with your older son alone. Do not shame him, but explain the ideas of consent and respect for privacy to him. Share that he is older than his brother, which gives him both power and responsibility. Remind him of your teaching – some parts of the body are private and off limits, even if he’s curious. Tell him you are sure he can follow this simple rule – he is not to touch his younger brother’s private parts. Share the truth – even though his younger brother laughed, he was still uncomfortable. Tell him how proud you will be when he follows this rule and respects his brother. Listen to him. Explain you understand why he lied to you; he knew deep down he wasn’t following your teaching. Assure him you won’t judge him; he should talk with you about anything and tell you the truth.

3. Talk gently with the boys together. Be upbeat but firm, reinforcing your rule. Ask them to talk about how they feel. There’s a great communication game I play called “Being There.” I describe it in my latest Nonnie book, and I’ll send directions if you like. Teach your boys to respect each other. Reinforce your trust in them, reminding them trust is earned.

Finally, if you’re interested in preparing your boys for the real world, I have a nice program on child abuse prevention that is empowering, doesn’t lay blame, and is kind. It also names body parts. Your boys may need you to read it to them, and I suggest taking it slowly – a few pages at a time – but it does really help. It’s not scary and opens doors for communication. It’s on Amazon and is titled “Inside Out: Your Body is Amazing Inside and Out and Belongs ONLY to You.” Good luck, and please keep in touch.