Sep 7, 2016 3 min read

Q.My son took his life 25 years ago today. The pain changes, but it never leaves. He was 17. September is Suicide Prevention Month. I read your column every week. Will you please publish my thoughts and talk about suicide? Particularly, will you address the things people should not say? I can’t count how many times I’ve been told my life should go back to normal. It just isn’t that easy. Thank you.

Grieving father

Mary Jo’s response: I am deeply grateful for your email and humbled by your courage in sharing such a painful loss.

Grief is personal. No one should tell another person how to grieve or how to feel. As a hospice nurse, I recall a grieving parent using the term “new normal” for his life after the loss of his daughter. For him, normal changed forever. In time, he shared, he was able to find some joy in life, but his perspective was altered. He said, “The old me is never coming back.”

You are correct. September is Suicide Prevention Month. In response to your brave request and to honor all who deal with the intense grief of losing a loved one to suicide, here are some thoughts:

• Listen to hear: Having empathy for another’s experience may require the gift of our presence and our silence. We cannot know another’s pain; we can only offer connection. Do not use clichés or platitudes to comfort. Saying, “Time will heal,” “He’s at peace now” or “You have other children” can leave a bereaved person feeling misunderstood and isolated.

• Hold space: Holding space means you’re willing to walk with people on their journey without judging them, without trying to fix them and with open hearts. Offer unconditional support. It’s not about us – put ego aside.

• Be there: Avoid the well-intentioned, “Call me if you need anything.” Make the first step. Connect. It’s OK to call or stop at a grieving friend’s home and say, “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here.” Stay connected. Grief doesn’t follow rules. Remembering a lost loved one on the anniversary of the death or on a birthday/holiday offers support, but the harsh reality of sudden grief can be overwhelming. A food, an odor, a chance encounter with something from the loved one’s life – anything can inspire acute pain. Being there means saying, “I’ll listen, no matter when,” and meaning it.

• Remember the dead: Say the name of the person who died.

• Avoid judgment: Suicide is very complex. Saying the person was selfish or weak, or even brave or strong, can be incredibly hurtful. There are no simple reasons for a suicide. Acknowledge suicide as a unique grief. Don’t say, “I know how you feel” because you’ve lost a loved one. Death by suicide is different.

Your grief echoes across the years. I pray you connect with people who support you. Please don’t hesitate to continue connecting with me.