Sep 22, 2016 3 min read

Television is too irritating to watch any more.

Every year at this time, as the networks roll out their new shows, I’m hopeful that I’ll find something that will be “my show.”

For the purposes of this argument, it doesn’t matter what my shows have been – oh, all right: “The Affair.” “Mad Men,” “Lady’s Number One Detective Agency.” And reaching way back: “Thirtysomething,” “Dallas” and, of course, “The Waltons.”

But in the past several years, the almost universal irritants of scripted and reality television have made it impossible to commit to – much less become enamored of – any one show.

Let’s start with “amazing.” For most of my life, the word was something you’d roll out at a Broadway show, or to describe a really good magician at a birthday party. Or the Immaculate Reception. The last time I used the word was during the Rio Olympics, when Simone Biles was doing her floor routine in the gymnastics competition.

Now “amazing” is used in place of other, more mundane adjectives, including nice, good, kind, cute, pretty, clean, orderly, mildly interesting, honest and fairly tasty. I quit watching most cooking shows when the hosts described the chicken legs they just broiled as amazing. Come on, people, it’s chicken.

Next up: the casting of middle-aged women. Being one, I am surrounded by friends in their 40s and 50s, and we all look spiffy. We take care of ourselves, dress attractively and have good haircuts and makeup. But we do not look like the women our age as portrayed on TV. There seems to be a gap in TV casting – going from cougar-looking women in their early 40s (who are working hard to pass for 30) and jumping over the vast and vibrant late 40s and 50s of the real world and landing squarely in grandma land. Actors talk about their frustration with this, how at some point they are too old for female hero or romantic lead roles because they actually look like they might be in their 50s. And except for a choice few, these actresses must cool their heels until they’re old enough to be cast as the grandmother or the wacky drunk aunt.

Can we talk, also, about the Whoa? You know the Whoa, the shouted quasi-cheer that punctuates every impromptu on-camera appearance on the morning shows. The “Today” show is the biggest perpetrator of this particular irritant. People line up outside the studios each morning for the express purpose of having the camera pointed at them. And when it is, they respond by shouting where they are from and then, ugh, the fist pump and the Whoa!. Sometimes there is a variation, the equally annoying Whooo!. If I were lurking there at Rockefeller Center, and believe me I wouldn’t be, I would break with tradition and give a proper cheer along the lines of “Yay!” or “Sis Boom Bah!”

To research this column, I stood in front of the mirror and did the fist-pump Whoa! I looked like somebody’s crazy drunk aunt. The horror of it can only be described as amazing.