Aug 2, 2017 5 min read

Q.My sister told me to write to you. I don’t have email, so I’m using hers. I guess you had her in high school, but we moved across town and I don’t have you. I told her I’d tell you exactly what she said, so here it is: She said, write to Mary Jo because I’m sick of you whining. So I’m writing. The thing is, I’m mad at my mom. She’s having a baby. I hate it. I know how babies are made. I’m old enough to understand. I just got my period. This is so gross! The baby’s dad is my mom’s new jerk boyfriend. My sister’s dad is Jerk #1 in my mom’s life. My dad is Jerk #2. Now, she’s having a kid with Jerk #3. Sometimes I call these Jerks bad words, but my sister said I can’t write those bad words because my question will go in the paper. Will it? I doubt it. I’m just a kid. I don’t think you’ll answer me. I want to live with my grandma and grandpa, at least until the baby is born. I think my mom will be happy to have me out of her hair. What do you think? Just because I’m 12 doesn’t mean I don’t know where I want to live. Living with Jerk #3 is draining my soul. My sister says that I shouldn’t write that either because it’s dramatic. Too bad. I also have no friends to speak of.

12-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Of course, I’ll answer you. Your voice matters. You matter. Your feelings matter. I think your feelings about what’s happening in your life are important.

Adults often make life decisions that affect young people. Many times, the young person has no input into the adult’s decision. You’re angry. I respect your feelings.

Let’s talk about why you’re angry with your mom. It sounds as if your mom’s new partner makes you feel uncomfortable. You didn’t pick him to live with you, and you didn’t want a new sibling. You may feel weird because you know how babies are made; most of us felt strange when we figured out how we were created. Your body is changing and you’re beginning to think about sexuality. Sex can sound gross, especially when we think about parents making babies. These feelings are all OK.

I’d like to share some ideas to help you figure out your problem. I can’t – and won’t – tell you how to feel. I think you have some good choices.

1. Sharing your feelings with your mom might help. Give her a chance to understand. Be respectful. I’ll be happy to meet with you and your mom if you’d like. She may not realize how upset you are.

2. Ask your sister to help you talk with your mom. I’m glad you connect with your sister. Even though she tells you she’s tired of listening to you, she still hears you. She sounds like someone who supports you. Someday, you may support your new sibling. It’s possible.

3. Try to avoid comparing your mom’s current partner with her past partners. If your mom knows how you feel, she may help you talk with him. He may not know you’re uncomfortable.

4. Share your desire to stay with your grandparents for a while. A respite might be good for you, if your grandparents are willing and able to let you visit them.

6. Remember you are a person of worth. Life changes, and change can be challenging. Give yourself time to grow and understand your life. Be patient with yourself.

7. Friends can be tough to find and keep when a person is 12. Our Common Ground Teen Center is starting sixth-grade nights in the fall. A lot of 12-year-olds find friendships difficult. Every Wednesday, from 3 to 5 p.m., only sixth-graders will be invited to the center. Your sister could bring you. You’d meet other sixth-graders and make new friends. Young people at our center support one another.

Typically, I ask our peer educator group to respond to questions. Your question is special, and I asked only one former peer educator to answer it. This young adult lived through a very similar situation. I think her answer will help.

From one alumni peer educator: My life was just like yours. I was so mad at my mom when she got pregnant with my stepdad. I could barely stand it. I was distant from everyone. Something funny happened, though. When the baby was born, I realized babies are good. He cried and was disruptive at first, but I never was mad at him. It wasn’t his fault. In time, I really loved him. Now I’m in my early 20s and he’s 12. He’s the same age I was when he was born. I can’t imagine life without my brother. Even when I was in college, we stayed close. You never know how life turns out. Give this new baby a chance. I’m close with my mom now, too, which is good. And, her “jerk” turned out to be a decent man, to my complete surprise. He helped pay for my college, and he’s been a true father to me and my brother. I hope your life gets easier. Mine did.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.