Aug 20, 2017 3 min read

It was a slow day in hell, so Hitler and the guy who invented Roquefort dressing decided to accompany Satan while he inspected the new wing.

Hitler turned to his companion as they walked and asked, “What was your name again?”

“Jean-Luc Coq au Vin, but you may as well call me ‘Cheesy’ like everyone else does.”

“Here we are,” Satan said, pointing to a smoldering pit. “Waddya think?”

“Impressive!” Cheesy said, ever the first to kowtow.

“Adolf?” Satan said, expectantly.

“It is … um … what is the word? Ah! Jämmerlich!”

“Very good, Adolf! ‘Pitiful!’ A play on words!”

“No, O Lord of Darkness,” Hitler said.

“Pitiful as in ‘really bad.’ It has no Teutonic grandeur, no sturm und drang!”

Satan’s horns began to glow as smoke wafted from his nostrils, and his pointed tail curled menacingly.

Then, catching himself, he settled down.

“Adolf! I’m disappointed in you!” Satan said, shaking his head. “Hell is a place of punishment! How can we keep our citizens in eternal agony if we give them comfortable accommodations?”

“Of course, O Ruler of Demons!” Hitler said contritely. “You are correct, as always.”

Satan looked at Cheesy and winked, then said, “Adolf, did you not see the plaque?”

Curious, Hitler moved closer to the edge of the pit, where he spied a 2-foot square of bronze etched with the words ADOLF HITLER WING. “I … I … don’t know what to say…” said Hitler, his voice trailing off. Then, recovering, he added, “Of course I am flattered and humbled. But I … I don’t deserve this.”

“Nonsense!” Satan countered, pulling him close and squeezing his shoulder. “You’ve done exemplary work!”

“But, O Sublimely Wicked One, my work ended 72 years ago!”

“Oh, but you’re wrong, my son!” said Satan, as he tousled Hitler’s hair.

“I don’t understand,” said Hitler.

“Come with me,” Satan directed. And the trio descended into the pit.

“This is the Joseph Stalin lounge,” Satan said, throwing open the door to a room in which the only seats were the tops of erupting volcanos. “Ah! Here we are – the Tyler Perry Multimedia Room. I know he’s not dead; we’re getting it ready for him. Cheesy, start the video.”

The lights went down. For 20 minutes, the screen was a flickering mélange of scenes in which members of white supremacist, neo-fascist and alt-right groups marched in support of their cause. American Nazi Party Commander George Lincoln Rockwell and a group of uniformed followers gave the Nazi salute in 1960. In 1970, a neo-Nazi held up a white supremacist newspaper with the headline: “Close the border! Mexican hordes pour into the U.S.” In 2009, neo-Nazi protesters organized by the National Socialist Movement protested at the grand opening ceremonies of the Illinois Holocaust Museum and Education Center in Skokie, Illinois. And just 10 days ago, white nationalists and white supremacists – chanting “White lives matter!” and “Jews will not replace us!”- clashed with counter-protesters in Charlottesville, Va.

The screen went dark.

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Hitler said, “I had no idea! My ideals live on!” He hesitated. “But, Your Darkness, surely these people must realize that I’m being eternally punished for just this type of activity?”

“Oh, they’ll find out soon enough,” Satan said, chuckling. “But we’ll be ready when they arrive. Let me show you the high-rise.”