Aug 23, 2017 4 min read

Q.I’m worried about my friend. He talks off and on about killing himself. This is really hard to hear. He also talks about maybe being gay, but then laughs about it and says he’s not. I don’t know what I should do. Should I tell someone he’s thinking about taking his own life? Wouldn’t that be breaking a trust? Do I take his suicide talk seriously? How can I help?

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Yes, this is serious. I always take suicide talk seriously. You should, as well. I know suicide is an intense thing to consider; you show courage in reaching out for support.

You’re a good friend. Listening to your friend is important, but seeking support and help from trusted adults is key to helping him. You are not breaking trust. Suicides rarely happen without warning (see warning signs below). As his friend, you can recognize he needs help. You should:

1. Tell an adult right away: Tell your parents, your guidance counselor at school, a trusted teacher or coach, or your friend’s parents. If your friend is confused about his sexuality, do not “out” him when you share your concerns about his depression and talk of suicide. He has the right to disclose those feelings in his own way. When he connects with a counselor, encourage him to share.

2. Keep no secrets regarding suicide: Don’t promise to keep your friend’s suicide talk to yourself.

3. Take care of you: Know warning signs, but do not try to do this alone. I don’t want you to take on a counselor’s role. A trained professional counselor is needed. Your friend needs your support, but you are not responsible for his choices. Your first step is seeking help from adults.

Some warning signs for suicide are:

• Threats of suicide or talking about suicide: Saying “I want to die,” “No one would miss me anyway” or “The world would be better without me” may be made to sound like a joke, especially when a young person laughs the statement off. Act now.

• Depression: I know many teens who struggle with depression. When depression deepens and includes strong feelings of hopelessness, a young person may feel overwhelmed.

• Very risky behavior: When teens seem not to care about their own safety, or are obsessed with alcohol/substance abuse, they may be masking depression.

• Previous suicide attempts: Young people who have attempted suicide are at risk for trying again.

• Preoccupation with death: Watch your friend’s social media posts.

• Acting different: A loss of interest in the things a friend cares about could be a warning sign; giving away possessions may also be a red flag. If a friend avoids others, is unable to sleep or sleeps all the time, is uninterested in appearance or hygiene, or seems unable to focus, depression may be worsening.

Here are some hotline resources:

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255): Both are toll-free, 24-hour, confidential hotlines that connect you to a trained counselor at the nearest suicide crisis center.

The Trevor Project: 866-4-U-TREVOR: The Trevor Project operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth.

The Washington County Crisis Line is 877-225-3567: It is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

I’m proud of you for reaching out. As requested, I’m sharing your question, so others may know how to react. You may be the only person who knows your friend’s despair. Being a good friend means seeking adult help, for you and for your friend. Thank you for doing the right thing.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.