Aug 30, 2017 4 min read

Q. Hello. I encountered a Facebook post on a popular page where a mother and father used lies and scare tactics, telling their children that if they have sex before marriage they will get an STI every time they have sex, and lots of parents supporting that. I made a comment on how that is not a good answer, and you shouldn’t be using scare tactics, but instead use education to help your children. (I’m 26, but it brings me back to a game we played in sex ed. Two students role play parents to keep another student from eating a piece of candy, and then we talked about the tactics used). Many parents condoned the lies, or flat out told me that they will bribe, threaten or pay off their children to keep them “safe.” But, is that actually safe? I feel that education on the topic is the best way to avoid terrible, unwanted outcomes. Why do people still think that teaching the truth is the worst evil in existence?

Confused peer educator alumnus

Mary Jo’s response: How nice to hear from you! I’m also thrilled you remember the “candy game.”

Yes, your memory is correct. I divide my students into small “pretend family” groups, where one person pretends to be a 13-year-old, and the other students are “parents/adults.” The “13-year-old” is given a piece of candy, and the “adults” are told to persuade their “child” to abstain from the candy. The candy represents … candy!

Many “adults” use fear, shame, guilt, bribery and threats to keep their “children” from eating the candy. A few pretend adults have honest conversations about the consequences of eating the candy (tooth decay, for example). I always buy sticky candy, so eating it would be bad for a person’s teeth. At times, an “adult” will even talk with their “child” about dental hygiene. When we process the activity, I hope my students come to the realization that education works.

We then compare abstaining from the candy to delaying sexual involvement. What helps a young person change behavior? What encourages communication with trusted and caring adults? What lowers risky behavior? How does a young person make healthy choices? We role play ways teens can approach parents or trusted adults if they’re considering taking risks.

I’ve pondered the best way to teach abstinence for nearly 40 years. I believe adults must “first do no harm” when teaching. When fear, shame, bribery, threats and guilt are used to address sexual involvement with teens, teens are not necessarily going to abstain. Some may, but those teens were probably not at risk in the first place. Each person is unique. Some will respond to risk by simply reasoning it’s not right for them. Those young people need support and education, but will probably make healthy choices on their own.

Other young people are drawn to risk, and need more guidance. Young people who are determined to have sex will do so, no matter how much shame, fear, guilt or threats are imposed. They may feel isolated and overwhelmed. They often feel torn. They may feel they cannot talk with their parents about intense feelings. They may lie, or use alcohol or drugs to mask fear.

I believe the best approach is an honest one. Education needs to be open, inclusive and focused on the unique needs of each young person. Teaching sexuality education is a commitment, but good teaching always requires dedication.

Great questions and thoughts! You make me proud! #AlumniRock

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.