Dec 21, 2017 4 min read

Q:Can you help me with my anxiety about something? My parents divorced when I was a little kid. My mom pretty much “got me” in the custody battle. For a few years, I didn’t even see my dad because he moved out of state. When he remarried, I was 8. He connected with my mom and me. I started spending a month every summer with him. People say stepmoms aren’t nice, but mine is. Even when they had their own kids, they welcomed me every year. I love my mom and dad and my stepmom. This year, I decided I wanted to spend Christmas with my dad and his family. My stepbrothers are 3 and 5, and I’d really like to see them open presents and stuff. Mom agreed. I have a plane ticket and everything. Now, I’m a mess. How could I be so selfish? I’m leaving Mom alone on Christmas. I won’t even see her. What will she do? I feel like it’s my job to make sure she’s happy. I don’t know what to do next.

14-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: You seem like a caring, empathic person.

First step – talk honestly with your parents. Share your anxiety with your mom and dad. It sounds as if your parents communicate well. Follow their example and connect with them ASAP. Talk with your mom. Try a face-to-face call with your dad and stepmom. Be honest.

Your concern for your mom is commendable. I’d like you to consider her perspective. She agreed to you spending the holidays with your dad. She easily could object, yet she gave you her blessing. It’s possible she’s happy you want to be with your stepbrothers. It’s very possible she understands. Unless you share your anxiety, she won’t know how to ease it. She may have plans for Christmas – parents do have friends!

Consider the possibility of celebrating Christmas twice – once with your mom and once with your dad. When family comes together with love, the actual date on a calendar doesn’t matter. Celebrate when you can.

As much as we love our parents, we are not responsible for their happiness. At some point, you will probably leave home. You may attend college or a trade school, join the military or seek employment in another city. A parent’s role is to give a child roots and wings. You will experience many life events without your mom. Growing up is OK.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.

Q:My mom just got remarried. My dad passed five years ago. Holidays have been hard for all of us. It’s so great seeing my mom happy again. I’m really looking forward to this Christmas. Am I getting more mature because my mom’s happiness makes me happy? I don’t even care about presents. My girlfriend says I’m not mature at all. I think she’s just kidding. I told her I’d ask you. What do you think?

16-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Growing up is a process; it doesn’t happen overnight, and there is no one sign of maturity. However, I do think your girlfriend is wrong. Being other-directed – thinking of the needs of others – means you are growing up. I’m glad your mom is happy, and I’m glad you’re happy for her. I wish your family and your girlfriend a Merry Christmas.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.