Feb 22, 2017 4 min read

Q.Something weird happened. I had a friend, for like six months. I thought we were just friends. I asked him to come to my house to help watch my little sister while my mom was at work. My mom said it was OK. For some reason, he thought that meant I wanted to have sex with him. He said I owed him sex because we are good friends and he needs a partner. I sent him home right away. Let me be clear, he didn’t try to force me or anything like that. He didn’t act all mad. He just left. This just came out of nowhere, though. We’ve never kissed or anything. I haven’t even had sex with anyone. Then, every time I’d see him, all he did was talk about having sex with me. Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean I want to have sex with him. So, now, I avoid him. I won’t answer his texts. The thing is, I kind of miss my friend, but my opinion of him has changed. Was I right?

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Yes. You were totally correct. No one owes anyone sex, no matter what. Mutual consent is the foundation of any sexual involvement; consensual sex means both partners agree. You don’t owe him or any person sex.

Let’s talk about what happened. You had permission from a parent to invite a person you trusted to help you babysit. None of your actions signaled sexual interest. You are right – your opinion of him should change; not only did he assume your interest in sex, he made an advance on you while your parent was not at home and in front of your little sister (assuming she was awake). Trust is difficult to earn once lost. He didn’t apologize, and he continued pressuring you for sex. None of this is OK. Unless he changes, I think you’re better off without him in your life.

Negotiating relationships and learning the signs of a healthy relationship are big parts of growing up. I’m glad he didn’t force you. Date rape is real. Let’s be clear. As you mature, you may encounter individuals who assume your sexual interest. No means no; yes means yes. Even if you make out with someone, even if you look interested, you still have the right to say no.

Communication is a learned skill. It helps to:

1. State the obvious: Tell a person how you feel. Yes, you are friends, but no, you’re not interested in sex. If you’ve decided to wait to have sex, state your wish firmly. Remember, you’re not rejecting a person, you’re saying no to an activity. You’re not ready. Say so.

2. Listen: In a healthy relationship, including a friendship, both people are willing to listen and hear the other person’s point of view. He didn’t hear you.

3. Respect each other: Friendships and relationships are built on trust. His persistent pressure confirmed your concerns. He didn’t put your feelings first.

I suggest sharing this with your mom. A trusted adult in your family can provide guidance as you grow into adulthood. You did the right thing.

Peer Educator response: Of course, you were right. He shouldn’t assume. You said no. End of story. He kind of had the right to ask, but once you said no, he should have let it go.

Contact Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski with questions at podmj@healthyteens.com.