Jul 13, 2017 4 min read

Q.This boy sent me a request for a nude. I told him no. Then he got all mean and told me I was only good for sex. Except he used a word I’m not allowed to say. I got scared and told my mom, and she helped me block him on Instagram. I don’t understand. I don’t do things like that. Why would he treat me like that? I like Instagram for my friends and pics, but I don’t like this. Why do some boys think it’s OK to talk like this to a girl?

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: This shouldn’t have happened to you. No one has the right to request nude pictures from you; he was rude, disrespectful, and his words are considered sexual harassment. None of this is your fault. You did the right thing by telling your mom immediately. Blocking this boy was also a wise move.

Your question, “Why do some boys think it’s OK to talk like this to a girl?” is an important one, and it also saddens me. I raised two daughters and a son. My children are adults now; all through their childhoods, I taught them the importance of respecting others. Toddlers don’t know how to be unselfish or respectful. An adult needs to teach them as they grow. Empathy means connecting with another person and trying to understand their feelings. Empathy can be taught. Anyone – regardless of gender – who is disrespectful in cyberspace does not stop to consider the other person’s feelings.

Sending nudes isn’t a joke. It is serious and can lead to legal consequences. I’m glad you were strong and said, “no.” You don’t owe anyone a picture. You don’t need to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Consent means you have the right to say “yes” – in this case, consent and respect also means you shouldn’t have been harassed.

Our culture often raises boys to think they can demand sexual things from girls; sadly, there are many adult men who model this type of behavior. There are also many adult men and boys who would never disrespect anyone, especially in a sexual way.

Continue talking with your mom. Stay connected to her and to other trusted adults who can show you how to use Instagram and other social media sites safely. Please listen to their wisdom and set privacy boundaries to protect yourself. Our peer educators were fired up about your question. It really struck home with them.

Peer Educator response: This is about sexism. Some people believe a woman was only created to please a man. Some men think they can get what they want from a woman, and their pleasure is the only thing of importance. Sexism is a tradition in our culture. At 13, you don’t need to understand things like sex and love. This boy did not care about you, and only wanted to use you. He probably didn’t think of any consequence behind his words. “Send nudes” has become a meme at this point, and a lot of people do not understand the seriousness of it. People make the excuse that “boys will be boys,” but this type of behavior is an immediate sign to get these kinds of people out of your life. Children need to be taught respect; it is one of the first things we learn as peer educators. Some people may say this kind of behavior is a joke, but it is serious. Remember, you always have the right to say no to anything you don’t feel OK doing. Instagram and the internet in general can be very fun, except when people make others feel uncomfortable. The best thing you can do is to carefully make your profiles private so you can have fun with your friends and not be worried. Live your life the way you want and keep yourself safe.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.