Jul 24, 2017 3 min read

Recently, you may have gotten the impression that I lead a haphazard life. (OK, in truth you’ve probably always thought that about me.) But in recent weeks, I have shared how I laid on a mole in my yard, how I have fallen on my face from a standing position and how I humiliated myself at the gym.

I have long known I have a balance problem. I am aware I can’t stand on one leg with my eyes closed without nearly toppling over, for example. I know I can’t walk a straight line by putting one foot directly in front of the other. In fact, I have joked on more than one occasion how I would likely be arrested for DWI if I was ever required to perform a field-sobriety test for any reason – despite the fact that I don’t drink.

It has been suggested to me I should consider seeing a doctor to rule out any problems with my inner ears, and I have also been contemplating taking a yoga class to help improve my balance. Maybe I’ll call tomorrow to schedule those things.

But first I’ll tell you a couple of stories about some guys who may just be more accident-prone than me. Like the guy who fell down the garbage chute in his apartment building when he leaned in to look for his cellphone. Having emptied his trash, he thought he had dropped the phone, as well, and toppled inside when he tried to find it. Apparently, while at the bottom of the chute, he was either able to locate the phone amidst the trash, or discover it was never lost in the first place, because he was able to call 911 himself. Firefighters were able to rescue him, and other than possibly his olfactory sense, he was unharmed.

In addition, there’s the story of a Texas man who spent some time locked in an ATM this week. The man, a contractor hired to change a lock on the service door, inadvertently let the door close behind him while he was inside. The room not being equipped with a doorknob, the man had no way to let himself back out. And though his phone was not at the bottom of a trash chute, it may as well have been, because he had left it in the truck and had no way to phone for assistance.

Instead, he used a pen that he was carrying to write “Help me” and “Please call my boss” on slips of paper that he then fed out of the receipt slot when people stopped to use the still-functional ATM. According to a story on the NPR website, several people assumed the notes were part of a prank, and therefore ignored them.

When someone finally called the police, it was in relative short order the man was rescued, and how long he spent locked inside was not reported. But that once-in-a-lifetime story sure beats my tale of falling off a stationary bike, doesn’t it?

Oh, I haven’t told you that one. Well, never mind then. If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the phone. I have to get my balance checked and sign up for yoga.

Laura Zoeller can be reached at zoeller5@verizon.net.