Jul 28, 2017 3 min read

If “taste-a-vision” ever becomes a thing, I hope they use it on “Chopped.” That’s the game show where chefs compete for cash by quickly whipping up meals from a basket of weirdo ingredients. It seems an episode of “Chopped” is on every hour of the day, and I find it interesting enough to stop and look when I’m flipping around the channels.

At the start of each round the contestants open a basket and pull out the ingredients they must use. It would not be farfetched for them to unearth, for the main course round, the following: moose pancreas, sour gummy bears, limburger cheese and french fries from a Happy Meal that’s been under the car seat for six months. From these disparate items, the winning chef will concoct a “Moose pancreas frittata with gummy bear chutney and a limburger-french fry puree.”

The judges, having each taken a bite the size of a gummy bear elbow, will compliment the “beautiful presentation” of the dish, and the “expertly seared crust” on the fries. And I will look at that dish and think I don’t trust a word they’re saying. If it’s so delicious, why aren’t the judges gobbling it all up?

Each competing chef tells a personal story about why they need the $10,000 prize. Many hope to open their own restaurants, but some are facing family crises, like sick children and lost homes. Seeing their dishes but not being able to taste them, I wonder if those stories don’t sway the judges as much as the food does. I would imagine that one bite of moose pancreas tastes about the same as the next.

As with all reality shows, we watch to get ideas – either, as in the case of the home flipper shows, to be tempted to knock out that kitchen wall, or in the case of “Chopped,” to find a way to make dinner without having to go to the store for the fifth time this week. And seriously, if those game show chefs can find a way to bake blue cheese-flavored lollipops into a dinner soufflé, why can’t I open my fridge and find the makings of something?

When my kids were little, I watched a show that featured only meals that could be made with the contents of a kitchen pantry and a few other refrigerated staples. As I recall, cans of tuna and dried beans figured prominently in these shows; I can’t say I ever learned enough to make even one meal from the things in my pantry. Bake you some cookies? Maybe, but nothing fancy.

In my fridge at the moment, there are the following: eggs, goat cheese, black olives, leftover spaghetti from Olive Garden, 18 small containers of peach yogurt, two rubbery hot dogs, and a half pint of blueberries that have seen better days. What would the TV chefs do with that?

Maybe a hot dog/blueberry gumbo with yogurt crostini and black-olive cream over a bed of spaghetti. I, a lesser cook, would make a goat cheese/hot dog omelet spiffed up with two black olives for eyes. I’d put the berries in the yogurt and call that dessert. If I were competing on the show, I wouldn’t make it past the appetizer round.

But all the judges would love my presentation.

Beth Dolinar can be reached at cootiej@aol.com.