Jun 1, 2017 3 min read

Q.We were talking about making healthy choices in class. I’m curious. What would you say was your most important choice in your life?

12-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Your question is a personal one, but I will answer it. I appreciate your curiosity. It sounds as if you’re thinking about your own life, and the choices you will make. I’m glad. Choices have consequences.

The most important choice I’ve made was picking the person with whom I would spend my life. The choice was a mutual one, made by two people who intended to commit to one another. I married my husband in 1973. I liked the way he respected me; we shared values about having children and our plans for life. I fell in love, but I also considered how we connected. Could we communicate? What happened when we disagreed? Would we be able to rejoice in life’s little things, like traveling or preparing a meal? Would we agree on the big things, like setting long-term goals and how we would care for our parents one day? Since I was a pediatric oncology nurse, I think I thought about serious issues like death more than most people. Would this person be the one I’d want to walk with through difficult times in life? Could we support each other when one of us faced a life-threatening illness?

To me, the choice of a life partner is crucial; a relationship can provide support and encouragement and empowerment, or it can bring a person down with negativity or disrespect.

Many people assume two people who are attracted to one another will fall in love. There’s a difference between love and lust. Lust is all about physical feelings and attraction. Lust is important in a romantic or sexual relationship; attraction is what brings two people together. What’s key is discovering how deep the connection is – will it grow into love? Will each person support the other person’s growth? Do the two people genuinely like one another? Do they share values, dreams and hope for the future?

Love is amazing, as is lust, and they are the foundations of connecting with another person in a relationship. Neither is enough, in my opinion, for a long-term relationship that works.

Q.We were talking about relationships. I live with my mom. I don’t understand my dad, even though I love him. He has a new girlfriend about every year. He split with my mom when I was a baby. Why do you think he can’t settle down? I don’t want to be like him.

12-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: You’re not your dad. Every person is different. I placed your question with the one above because they are linked. Relationships take effort. I don’t know what your dad is looking for in a relationship, but I do know you can make choices in your own life that reflect what is important to you.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.