Jun 29, 2017 3 min read

Q:I kissed someone for the first time. It was icky. I thought it was supposed to be amazing, like in the movies. All I felt was weird. And, it was sloppy. I didn’t even like the hug after the kiss. All my friends are doing things a lot bigger than just a kiss or a hug. They talk about sexual things all the time. There’s something wrong with me, right? What am I? Am I someone who won’t want love or sex?

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: There’s nothing wrong with you. Honest.

Each of us is unique. Some people love physical contact with others, like hugs. Others don’t enjoy touching. At our Common Ground Teen Center, we believe in consent, even for something simple like a hug. Some teens at our center are “huggers” and show affection for friends enthusiastically, but others prefer just talking and keeping their personal space sacred. We respect everyone’s wishes.

Hugs can be nonsexual. Do you enjoy hugs with adults in your family or with siblings? Do you enjoy hugs with other friends? From our text conversation, it sounds like your contact with this person was the first time you disliked touch. It’s very possible you felt awkward because the kiss wasn’t what you expected.

Movies show kissing in a nonrealistic way. Remember, those are paid actors or actresses. It’s not real, just as a movie death scene isn’t real. You’ll laugh – as an “old” hospice nurse, I frustrate my family every time someone dies in a movie by saying, “No one dies like that!” It’s the same with romantic or sexual scenes in films. Real life is different; when you’re ready, you will know what is right for you.

I’m not sure how the kissing and hugging happened. Was it with someone you wanted to hug or kiss? Was it something you thought you needed to do, almost like an activity you felt pressured into, because your friends’ conversations made you feel isolated and different?

It’s OK to be different, it’s OK to follow your own path, and it is certainly OK to wait to kiss or hug until you feel ready.

There’s a reason I am so very certain you’re OK – people have their own needs and desires for physical contact and sex. You are not your friends. You’re you. Some people are asexual (they are not interested in sex) or even aromantic (they are not interested in dating or romance). You don’t need a label.

You ask me “what” you are. You are a person of worth. You have time to figure things out. Accept who you are as you grow and learn. If/when you are attracted to someone, you may feel differently. You may enjoy a kiss or a hug with the right person at the right time. It’s also OK if you don’t. You’re OK, just the way you are.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.