May 7, 2017 3 min read

Outside of Marmaduke, this column is the least newsiest thing in the newspaper. Inside Marmaduke, it’s too dark to read (thank you, Groucho). In an attempt to be more newsworthy, I’ve decided to bring you some of my favorite headlines.

Fake news is not new. I remember some awesome headlines from back in the day. Attention-grabbers from the National Enquirer, the Star and some of those other papers that are sold with candy bars and bubble gum right by the cash register. Here’s a hint, people: If it’s sold near the Juicy Fruit and Twix, it’s probably not news.

The Weekly World News headline “Bat Boy found in Cave” spun off into becoming a smash off-Broadway musical. A fake news story became a real news story, in the entertainment section.

My favorite fake headline was, “Hippo Swallows Circus Midget.” The story was based on an urban legend about a dwarf who bounced off the trampoline and into the gapping mouth of a hippopotamus, where he was swallowed in one gulp. It’s not true. Hippos are vegetarian. Also, it’s completely offensive.

Here are a bunch of headlines that ran in legitimate newspapers. The commentary, of course, is completely made up.

“Homicide victims rarely talk to police.”

Picture it. One policeman turns to the other and says, “Hey Lou, go talk to the victim.”

“OK, but he was decapitated. We better find his head first. I’m not going to talk into an open neck like some kind of idiot.”

Here’s another: “Utah Poison Control reminds everyone not to take poison.”

Someone send some Mr. Yuk stickers to Salt Lake City. Stat!

“State prison to replace easy-open locks.”

Personally, I wouldn’t advertise that the current locks are easy to open until after the new ones were in place. I’m sure there were a few escaped convicts laughing over that one.

“City unsure why sewer smells.”

Sherlock could probably crack that case. Matter of fact, his name is often brought up when someone says something obvious. The rest of that oft-used aphorism could provide the city with a clue.

“Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, “That’s probably because they’re not teenagers anymore.”

“Chick accuses some of her male colleagues of sexism.”

To be completely fair, the councilwoman in question was named Laura Chick. It’s still an attention-grabber.

It’s not always the headline that grabs the attention. Sometimes the newspaper will put an oversized quote in a story to compel people to read further.

In the story “Deaf people focus on fraud,” the quote was, “I tried to warn them, but some of them didn’t listen.”

I think I know what the problem was there.

“County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.”

We can’t fault the editors for that one. That’s just the government in action.

“One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.”

That’s a real knee-slapper!

I’d like to close out where we started, with grocery stores and political incorrectness:

“Midget sues grocer, cites belittling remarks.”

Clearly, that header was written by a small-minded person.