May 17, 2017 3 min read

How’s your golf game this spring? I haven’t had a chance to hit the links yet because I’ve been too busy working and playing groundskeeper of my lawn. First, I beat back the spread of dandelions only to nearly break an ankle while mowing when I stepped in a mole hole. That’s right: I’m now chasing moles and filling in their holes.

The first hole appeared a long time ago, but then two more popped up late last year, and by this spring, trying to mow around the indentations is like dodging land mines. I finally had enough and felt like Bill Murray’s character from the movie “Caddyshack” last week, trying to rid my lawn of subterranean diggers who had tunneled a maze beneath my yard and were driving me crazy.

Off to the hardware store, where I bought poison worms to bury for them to eat. A guy there told me I needed something called “Gopher Gassers,” which are basically huge firecrackers with long fuses that act like those stink and smoke bombs that I remember boys setting off when I was a kid. Remember those cartoons where Wile E. Coyote would try to get the Roadrunner with sticks of TNT? That was me lighting a giant fuse and hurriedly stuffing the smoke bomb in the mole hole before I breathed in the noxious gas. The first try went well and was actually kind of fun. The second gasser was too long for the mole hole, so I pushed it down inside with a broomstick. Kapow! A puff of smoke. I rammed the gasser in deeper. Kapow! Another plume of smoke. I quickly covered the hole and stepped away, then smelled the smoke and saw a faint plume wafting above the ground. That’ll fix their little mole wagons.

As I turned away, a bunny hopped by and then a squirrel scampered past. I sometimes see deer taking predawn strolls down our street. Apparently, this is the enchanted forest, filled with all sorts of critters who want to move in and set up house. Birds keep trying to build a nest in the eave above the garage, and I think one of them got stuck up there or left a tail feather sticking out of the wire that is supposed to keep them out of the attic. My next endeavor is to climb through the attic and all of its old, dusty treasures to investigate that situation.

We’ll soon see if the smoke bombs and poison worms worked. In the meantime, I’m going to start filling in the holes, spreading grass seed and then take on trimming the hedges. At this rate, maybe I will be able to hit the golf course before Labor Day … or I could get a job there getting rid of gophers.

Kristin Emery can be reached at kristinemery1@yahoo.com.