Nov 16, 2017 4 min read

Q.I’m sick of people. I’m sick of people not believing women when they disclose sexual abuse or harassment. I’m sick of victim blaming. I was raped in college. I’m in my 30s now, but I still deal with the emotional trauma. It took me nearly 10 years to tell anyone, and my rapist wasn’t a powerful person who could destroy me. He was just a drunk guy I thought I could trust. My husband gives me so much support. I see a good therapist. I’m healing. I swear, though, that we abuse women twice in our country … once when the assault happens, and then again when we treat her with disrespect. I’ve never written to anyone like this before, but I do read your column even though I’m not from PA. My old college roommate knows you and recommended it. I’d love it if you would post this in your column and let my views be heard. Thank you.

37-year-old

Mary Jo’s response:

I hear you. It is my honor to print your thoughts. Your voice matters.

Not all people blame victims, but those who do attract media attention. I hear your frustration. Your faith in humanity is wavering. I agree with your concept of harm; doubting survivors can re-traumatize. There are many people who hear and believe survivors, but their voices are not always loud enough. I will not ask you to see the good in people, but I can offer hope.

When I first encountered adult duplicity, I was a child. I was blessed with wonderful parents; my papa was especially empathetic and wise. I can no longer recall details of the incident, but I remember feeling betrayed. An adult didn’t follow the rules – a frustrating situation for a young person. My faith in humanity wavered. My papa carefully explained the difference between right and wrong. He then shared his belief that only a few people always make the right choice and consider the needs of others, yet most people, with time and information, will be strong enough to do the right thing. His influence led me to a life in education.

There are many reasons disclosure is difficult and may be delayed for years. RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization (https://www.rainn.org/). RAINN’s statistics state that two out of every three sexual assaults go unreported. Their website opens with a large “We Believe You” statement. RAINN believes powerful perpetrators may keep a survivor silent for decades.

Survivors may not disclose due to:

• Fear of retaliation from the perpetrator
• Fear the perpetrator will go unpunished
• Fear their reputations will be tarnished
• Fear they will not be believed
• Fear their families will be harmed
• Fear of repercussions involving jobs or positions

You are a survivor. I’ve served survivors of sexual assault for over 40 years. I believe them. Regardless of gender or identity, survivors deserve dignity and respect. Healing after sexual assault is aided by empathic support, like the care you receive from your husband and therapist. Believing survivors can ease the trauma of sexual violence.

I once counseled a teen survivor who was not believed by her family; when we met weekly for over six months, the first words she spoke were: “Do you believe me?”

Sexual abuse, rape and sexual harassment are crimes; self-disclosure is not. I believe it’s time for people to stand together and respect others. It is time, as my papa taught, to do the right thing.

Your email and your courage help educate. You are a person of worth. Thank you.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.