Nov 23, 2017 4 min read

Q. If a boy asks you for a nude picture, how do you say no without sounding rude?

~ 12-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Your question comes at a perfect time. I’ve developed a program with our peer educators called Respect Online. The classes focus on respecting self, empathy and making smart choices. I love your courage; reaching out is challenging and you’re a brave young person.

You are concerned with showing respect and not sounding rude when turning down a rude request. Our culture often gives young men messages telling them it’s OK to try to control women’s bodies. I know nude pics are often sent without consent. Honoring each person means respecting an individual’s body.

Your body is yours. No one should ask you to do something you feel is wrong. You have the right to say no to any activity. You have the right to decide what happens in your life. You have the right to set limits. You don’t owe anyone a nude picture.

At your age, a nude picture is considered child pornography. This boy is asking you to put yourself at risk legally. One of our peer educators told me requests for nude pics are common. She said she has the perfect response – she texts back no, and then tells whomever made the request that she is forwarding the text to her dad. Creative, yes?

I’m guessing this boy is someone you like, which makes saying no more difficult, but still important. Let’s talk about choices. You could just ignore his request. You don’t owe him a response. Asking you to send him a nude picture pressures you to compromise your privacy. Sending him a nude pic would put you in danger. Once the pic is sent, you have no control over where it goes or who sees it. You are right in wanting to say no.

If you decide to respond to him, simply saying ‘No’ is enough. You don’t need to explain your reason for refusing him. If you want to say more, please remember one very important fact: When we say no to an activity that makes us uncomfortable, we are saying no to the activity, not to the person. It’s possible to like someone and still say no to something we don’t want to do.

Here are a few hints:

• Talking with an adult is important. I’m glad you reached out to me, but I recommend you talk with a trusted adult in your family, like a parent or grandparent.
• If this boy asked you for a nude pic, he may ask someone else. Respecting people’s bodies is a learned skill. An adult could help him understand why his request is disrespectful. I’ll be happy to meet with him. Let’s talk.
• Your courage in saying no is powerful. Stand strong. You would be an excellent peer educator. Thursdays are middle school nights at our Common Ground Teen Center. Tell a trusted adult in your life about our center. I’ll be happy to connect with someone in your family. At the center, you would find other young people who respect themselves and others.

You are a person of worth. I’m proud of you.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com