Nov 27, 2017 3 min read

If you say you have nothing to hide, you’re hiding something.

Take my advice: Before someone discovers the skeleton in your closet, make a pre-emptive strike by drafting an apology to fit any occasion. Let me help you get started.

The following template can be used by any male or female, young or old, to generate boilerplate text for Facebook Messenger, Twitter, email, an old-fashioned, hand-penned note on vellum or a thoughtful statement to read on camera. Just copy and paste.

• I’m sorry

1. but I don’t remember the incident you describe. However, if it happened, I’m sorry you remembered.

2. but I remember the incident differently than you describe it. And even if it happened the way you say,

a. it was a harmless prank.

b. I thought it was consensual.

c. I was intoxicated.

• I regret telling you that ribald joke in mixed company, but,

1. you said you wanted to be treated like everyone else.

2. I thought you were a good sport.

3. you were intoxicated.

• It was bad judgment

1. to send that nude selfie to you, but,

a. I was hoping you’d be secretly pleased.

b. I thought I was sending it to someone else.

c. I was goaded into it while I was intoxicated.

• Yes, I said all those things, but

1. that’s not really who I am.

2. I call a spade a spade.

3. I was angry. And the more I drank, the angrier I got.

• Yes, I made a sexual joke at your expense at the lunch meeting, but

1. I was just trying to break the ice!

2. My last secretary didn’t seem to mind.

3. We were all intoxicated.

• Sorry I assumed you are gay, but

1. no straight guy dresses that well.

2. it’s common knowledge around the office.

3. no one acts that way unless they’re intoxicated.

• Yes, I had someone take a picture of me pretending to grab your breasts while you were asleep, but

1. that’s just what men do.

2. it was all in good fun.

3. It was just before I became intoxicated.

• Yes, I asked you out on a date when you were 13 and I was 37, but,

1. that’s how Dad met Mom.

2. Adam and Eve weren’t even 1 year old when they met!

3. You were just so damned pretty, you intoxicated me!

• I know there’s a recording of me using the N-word, but,

1. any third-grader could have dubbed that in.

2. I was provoked into it by my political rivals.

3. Someone asked me to imitate a racist while I was intoxicated.

• Yeah, I settled out of court, but,

1. that’s not an admission of guilt.

2. people forget quickly. But even if they don’t,

a. I can buy new friends.

b. I can run for office as an outsider.

c. I can get intoxicated!