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Men are also victims of domestic violence

5 min read

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Q: Will you please help me call attention to a little-known aspect of domestic and dating violence? It seems like most people assume women are the victims. I know that’s mostly true, but I’ve watched my older brother suffer at the hands of his girlfriend for over a year. He’s not allowed to see me or my sister. My parents aren’t allowed to call or text him. He’s isolated from friends, too. She checks all his texts and reads all his emails. She monitors where he goes. It’s like he’s a prisoner in his own home. She hardly works at all, just part time, but she takes his paycheck and decides how it is to be spent. Her own paycheck is hers to spend as she likes. I don’t know how to help him, and I fear he’s depressed. What if he’s becoming suicidal? I called the police and they said there was nothing they could do. Please print this and help me let others know. Anyone can be a victim.

19-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I selected your question for today’s column for two reasons. First, I want to reinforce your wise words – yes, anyone can be a victim. Second, October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You’re correct; men can experience intimate partner violence. Your description of your brother’s life reads like a case study for IPV. Here are some sobering 2017 statistics from the Centers for Disease Control:

• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

• Nearly half of all women and men in the United States will experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

• Approximately 7 percent of women and 4 percent of men who ever experienced rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner first experienced some form of partner violence by that partner before 18 years of age.

• The 2013 national Youth Risk Behavior Survey found approximately 10 percent of high school students reported physical victimization and 10 percent reported sexual victimization from a dating partner in the 12 months before they were surveyed.

The last statistics underscore my concern: My life mission is serving and empowering young people to make healthy choices. Intimate partner violence is real and affects teens as well as adults.

Dating violence is a type of intimate partner violence, and can occur in the following ways:

Physical: when a partner is pinched, hit, shoved, slapped, punched or kicked.

Psychological/emotional: threatening a partner or harming his or her sense of self-worth. Examples include name-calling, shaming, bullying, embarrassing on purpose, or keeping him/her away from friends and family.

Sexual: forcing a partner to engage in a sex act when he or she does not or cannot consent. The force can be physical or nonphysical, like threatening to spread rumors if a partner refuses to have sex.

Stalking: a pattern of unwanted harassing or threatening tactics that cause fear.

Electronically: repeated unwanted texting, demanding unreasonably prompt responses to texting, or threatening to post revealing photos of a partner online are all examples of dating violence.

I believe providing young people with proactive education about dating violence and healthy relationships can help teens make better choices when dating begins. Your brother is an adult. Helping him leave an abusive relationship will not be easy. Here are some hints:

•Help him protect his family. Does he have children? Obtaining custody of children can be challenging for fathers. Offer support.

• He may be in denial. Help him see his relationship honestly.

• He may feel ashamed. Our culture depicts men as strong. Admitting he is in an abusive relationship could threaten his concept of masculinity.

• He may not feel he will be believed: Many people in domestic violence situations are isolated. He may doubt his ability to find resources or people who will shelter him. Offer him your unconditional support.

Depression is real. Continue trying to reach your brother. Stand with others who love him, and do all you can to support him.

Locally, Domestic Violence Services of Southwestern PA can be reached around the clock at 1-800-791-7233. A staff person from DVSSP meets regularly with teens at our Common Ground Teen Center, 53 N. College St. Washington. Connect with me for times and dates. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is also available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com

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