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We’re here to pumpkin you up

3 min read

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I want to share a couple of facts that I learned recently: First, the ubiquitous pumpkin spice products being sold seemingly everywhere except funeral parlors are not meant as a tribute to the late, lamented sixth Spice Girl who quit before the girl group made it big in 1994.

Second, “Pumpkin spice!” is not what people screamed when Ginger, Posh, Baby, Scary and Sporty asked, in their 1996 hit, “Wannabe,” “So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.”

How easily fooled we consumers are. So, as we careen toward 2018, should we not stop to ponder why pumpkin spice causes people to act as if their heads have become jack-o’-lanterns every October? At the very least, should we not pause to assess the potential collateral damage to our homes that might occur if microscopic pumpkin-spice particles left over from Halloween collide with the nutmeg, cinnamon and pine scents that will begin to wreak olfactory havoc there in November and December?

Seriously – pumpkin spice is not to be taken lightly. Proof comes in the form of a story from Baltimore, where a high school was evacuated Oct. 5 because of a suspicious odor coming from the third floor. Ambulances and fire engines were summoned. Three teachers and two students were transported to a hospital as a precaution. The suspicious substance was a pumpkin-spice air freshener.

Now suitably chastened, you should be able to avoid the temptation to purchase Simply Beyond’s Spray-On Spice, a mixture of organic essential oils and spices the company says may be used to “spice up your baking, enhance your savory dishes” or “season your nuts and seeds.”

Forgive me, but are not “savory” dishes by definition already spicy? And why do you want everything you eat for the final quarter of each year to remind you of that time you fell off the hayride and stumbled blindly through a cornstalk maze for seven hours? And admit it: Doesn’t the phrase “season your nuts and seeds” conjure visions of squirrels and chipmunks rolling on the ground, clutching their bellies while they laugh hysterically?

If, however, you have a burning desire to waste money, at least buy something you can place on your bookcase to show friends and family just how gullible you really are.

Here’s an idea: The Detroit Red Wings franchise is selling a limited-edition commemorative item that, in terms of misplaced cash outlay, may rival that forked over for pieces of the Berlin Wall in 1989.

The item is a vial of “melted ice” from Joe Louis Arena, where the Wings played for almost 40 years. Three-thousand small vials of the liquid, made from the ice surface skated on at the Wings’ final home game at “The Joe” in April, were first marketed in September. You may still be able to snag one.

Caveat emptor No. 1: They cost $85 each.

Caveat emptor No. 2: “Melted ice” is water.

In emergency, break container and use to wash excess pumpkin spice from nuts.

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