Oct 30, 2017 4 min read

• I passed by a man and woman, clearly in their 80s, sitting on a bench outside Giant Eagle. “What I’m looking for,” the gentleman was explaining to his companion, “is a long-term relationship.”
• Alternative facts: The term “gauche” means “left” in French. We use the term to describe unsophisticated people or actions because, when the left bank of the Seine River in Paris was a hangout for artists, musicians and philosophers, the upper crust considered them to be of low class. Thus the phrase, “Don’t be gauche!” After the artists, musicians and philosophers had drunk enough wine, they sometimes threw the upper-crusters into the river, which made other Parisians think they were crazy. This is where we get the word “inseine.”
• Proof that there is balance in the universe: On a business trip to Chicago some years ago, my friend and I were bound for the subway. On the way down the stairs, we heard a lone guitar and a plaintive tenor voice. As we rounded the corner to the platform, we spied a young black man. He was singing “Make it With You” by Bread, one of the whitest groups ever recorded. Kinda makes up for all those 16-year-old white kids singing “Been down so long, bottom look like up to me,” doesn’t it?
• Why American health care costs so much: When I labored as a PR minion at Great Big Hospital (not its real name), approximately 10 writers and 15 graphic artists spent countless hours on the redesign of an internal newsletter. After a few weeks’ labor and six or seven rounds of peer approval, we presented the new design, which featured a lovely pastel green cover, to the department’s director. She perused the cover for all of six seconds, tossed it cavalierly to the center of the conference table and said: “I react negatively to green.” With prehensile tails between their legs, 10 writers and 15 graphic artists slithered back under the rocks from which they had crawled 10 minutes earlier. I strongly suggest that when you receive a bill from your doctor that charges $2,000 for a procedure they have agreed to accept $169 for, you also react negatively.
• A pre-emptive strike in the newly revived “War on Christmas”: Archaeologists in southern Turkey believe they have found the resting place of the original Santa Claus. The tomb of St. Nicholas of Myra was discovered under – surprise! – St. Nicholas Church in Demre, on the Mediterranean coast. This was, however, big news because in 1087 the bones of the saint were thought to have been dug up and smuggled to Beri, Italy, where pilgrims have worshipped them ever since. But archaeologists say recent scans of the area beneath the Turkish church show that the original tomb is still intact. Proof that Santa is dead? Or merely imprisoned there by liberals?
• Speaking of Santa, the Jolly Old Elf should be happy to know that “The War on Coal” is now officially over – at least according to EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. This apparently came about after coal, trapped underground for the past 40 years or so by U.S. Special Forces, finally ran out of food and surrendered. The good news in all this is, of course, that Santa can once again deliver lumps of coal to bad children. This should be a welcome relief to him because natural gas doesn’t stay in a Christmas stocking very well. Next, the War on Boxing Day, the War on Groundhog Day and the War on March 31- a day no one ever liked much anyway.
• Happy Holidays!