Sep 10, 2017 3 min read

At the tail end of summer, the weather turned chilly, and I went to the movies.

I saw a bunch of films, some good, some bad. So many movies, in fact, that I’m officially sick of popcorn. I never want to touch the stuff again. That’s not completely true, but there’s a kernel of truth to it (popcorn joke).

But I digress, like I do. I enjoy sitting in the dark, watching movies on a rainy evening. In fact, I was one of only two people at a 10:20 p.m. showing of “Tulip Fever.” It was two people too many. The movie is not good. I can’t tell you what it’s about, because I’m really not sure. I’m not sure the director knew, either. In it, Dame Judi Dench, dressed like a nun, sold orphans and flowers to rich people to keep her convent from being overrun by rats. I know it sounds like plot to a horror movie, but it isn’t. Let’s just say it’s weird to see Matthew Morrison and Zach Galifianakis in a period piece. Galifianakis and Dench should probably never be in the same movie. I would watch them “Between Two Ferns.”

I saw “The Big Sick.” That’s a terrible title, too. I liked this film … mostly. It was written by screenwriters Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani, and it’s based on their real-life relationship. Unfortunately, it broke one of the tenets of humor: Even William Shakespeare knew that “Brevity is the soul of wit.” Five hundred years later, no one bothered to tell Emily and Kumail this comedy rule. “The Big Sick” meanders. Halfway through the movie, Emily (the movie version) goes to the hospital and I’m like, “Oh, right! It’s called ‘The Big Sick.’ I forgot!” It was the film equivalent of walking into the kitchen and saying, “Why’d I come in here?”

If you are trying to stave off the onset of winter and maximize your summer experience, “Wind River” seems like a foolish choice. The movie is set in the wide open spaces of Wyoming. The title struck me as boring, as if they were just putting a weather word with a geographical location together like “Snow Mountain” or “Rain Forest.” Note to Hollywood: I’d see those.

I thought the movie should have been called “Windy River,” except windy and windy are spelled the same. Hint: one is serpentine and the other blows.

I only went because Hawkeye and the Scarlet Witch are in it. While Jeremy Renner played an excellent marksman, Elizabeth Olsen didn’t use any magic. Despite the lack of superpowers, I really enjoyed it. The movie has a surprise ending that I won’t ruin here.

You’re probably thinking, “I’ve never heard of any of these!” Well, now you have. If you’re in the mood for a movie see “Wind River,” skip “Tulip Fever,” and, if you have a lot of time to kill, see “The Big Sick.”

I just saved you hours and hours of movie watching. You’re welcome.