Apr 5, 2018 4 min read

Q:My mom died two years ago. She had cancer. I still miss her so much. My dad says I need to toughen up and get over it. He says it’s long enough to feel bad. I hate that he seems to not miss her at all. He’s got this girlfriend, and she’s moving in with us. It’s bad enough that I miss my mom, now this woman is sleeping in her bedroom and kissing my dad. Plus, I don’t really like her at all. Plus, my dad never even says my mom’s name. He’s taken all her pictures down. He says the pictures bother his new lady. Well, I don’t care about his new lady, I miss my mom. Dad says I’m 14 now and I need to stop crying and be a man. My mom would’ve never said that. Is he right? Am I carrying on too much about her dying? If I don’t remember my mom, no one will. I have a half sister, but she’s like 10 years older than me and she lives in Ohio, so I hardly ever see her. Plus, she’s not my mom’s daughter, she’s my dad’s. I don’t want to stop missing my mom. I don’t think I ever will stop. Is that OK?

14-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Grief is different for each of us. Yes, it is OK to miss your mom. You lost a very important person when she died.

Your dad is grieving in his own way. Removing your mom’s pictures may feel hurtful to you, but he may feel it’s a way to move on with his life. It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to not like your dad’s girlfriend right now. It’s OK to feel sorrow. You don’t need to “get over it.”

Men cry. All people can mourn and feel sorrow. Part of being a person is feeling loss. Manhood is about reaching for adulthood and becoming more aware of adult issues, but being a man doesn’t mean you should shut down your feelings. As a counselor, I’ve spent a lot of time with adults who find dealing with grief takes time.

Yes, it’s OK to always miss your mom. My mother died 22 years ago, and there are days when I miss her very much. In time, I’ve learned to enjoy life’s happy moments without her, but her memory remains. In time, you will be able to laugh and be happy. Enjoying life doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your mom. It’s OK to feel joy.

Losing a loved one to cancer can be very difficult. You couldn’t protect your mom; those feelings are deep. It will take time to ease the pain of her death.

Right now, try to connect with others. Are there teachers or counselors at school with whom you can share your grief? Are there friends who will support you? You mention a half sister. Even if she’s not related to your mom, she is family. Connect with her. Are your mom’s parents’ alive? They are grieving, as well. Talk with them.

Have you tried getting involved in school sports or clubs? You’re old enough to attend our Common Ground Teen Center. It’s located in Washington at 53 N. College St. but will be moving to 92 N. Main St. very soon. Stay in touch with me and I’ll keep you informed. At the center, you may meet other people your age and find support.

Finally, I hope you feel safe sharing your sadness with your dad. Tell him your love for your mom remains strong and you want to remember her. Many young people find it challenging to accept a parent’s new partner after divorce or death. Be honest with your dad about your feelings for his new lady, as well. It is OK to be troubled by someone who seems to be taking your mom’s place.

Let’s continue to connect. It would be my pleasure to stay in touch. You might want to get involved with our peer educator group. Our theme this year is Respect Online. Teaching other teens can give you something to focus on besides your grief. I have faith in you. You are strong.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.